So Long My Friend-To You I Must Say Goodbye

I've never really enjoyed the holidays. For years I'd always get grounded around the Christmas time due to the fact of guys being careless (myself as well). Or I'd lose a friend or two during the two week break off of school just because they'd find "someone" else. It was always a lonely holiday or a depressing one. Last year, even in its own mess, was one of the better Christmas seasons due to one specific person that joined our family time. He became someone so easy to love and one look into his blue eyes; you'd get lost in all the possibilities of who he is, where he came from, and all the places he could go or could become. Sadly, our friendship had ended in March-and although it took me a long while to finally get over the hurt of the ended friendship, the memories I just can't seem to stop playing around in my mind. For they seem to dance over and over throughout my thoughts day after day. 

Is this season going to be a lonely one for him? And why is it that he refuses to come around when there is only love that is offered at my house? These are questions I often ask myself, but I'm aware that I may never get to know the answers. For his silence, or his saying something yet doing another says enough. He doesn't even know himself, and to try and figure him out like I used to would be a waste of my day. Yet, I still can't help but think of him daily and remember each day from 12-5-07 till the beginning of March '08. Basically he was apart of my family from those moments on, and reluctantly...he is a great deal apart of my heart this day. How is it that I could erase what all I know of his life and how is it that he could erase any of the things he knows of mine? He once fought for me. Well, twice. He fought to keep him in my life when I could have easily left him hanging in the air. Yet, he fought like he needed the friendship so bad...and he did, for at that time in his life he had no one. He was in a situation as to where he was on probation and couldn't be around the things that got him on it. I was safe. My family was safe. We took each other in. We allowed one another to go to the places we didn't let anyone ever go before. We got so close, yet we didn't know one another the way we should have. For, I still played my games on him. And he still lived his life of what originally got him in trouble. But when we got together, it was as if none of that matter-the world held their breath we were able to live in the world where all was silent and we only saw what we wanted to see of each other. Then he moved. And that's when it all began to change. The "fun" of Ft. Wayne was too much for him. No longer did he need to sweet tender heart of the girl who's heart he held. No longer did he need the family that wrapped their arms around him. No longer did he need what in all reality:: He needed. What happened was that what he takes as "independent", "self-sufficient" and "self-reliable"...really just gets him a mess. For now he is crying out but with no sound penetrating from his mouth. Now he is yelling and screaming and pounding his fists in anger and rage, yet no one stops to notice because he's drowned himself so far away that the only one that sees and hears him now, is the only one that is able to take him from the treacherous pain himself. The only one is the ultimate healer:: God himself. 

I used to be extremely angry at him. It was to the point I fell for him so hard-and cared so much to the point of nearing an end to it all. That was dangerous love. There was no "safe" to it. So would that even be considered love? Or was it that I was too comfortable in what I made my own little world that any person that I actually enjoyed and wanted to be around...I felt like I had to control? Either way, there I was without him in my grasp. No longer did he find me amusing, nor wanted to be around me. In fact, it was better that we didn't see each other at all. 

Going away for 6 months and getting healing from my past, was much needed. But I've come home to facing the present. Every day then turns into the past due to it no longer being the present. Each second that passes is in the past-so what am I to do about that? I can't help to approach this season with a bit of sadness, for the one that I fell so in love with is not with us. He is struggling and will not allow my family nor I to be around him. He is alone, yet wants to keep it that way. 

Before hand I'd wait around just to hear from him. I'd sit by the phone all night when he told me we'd hang out, only to find out that I'd fall asleep and around four o'clock I'd get a drunk call from him like nothing ever happened. Yet, I'd constantly give him chance after chance...and I'd constantly look a fool. I could no longer play the heart broken girl, yet over and over I'd fool myself into falling for his blue eyes again. But those blue eyes, even though I love him dearly, could not persuade me into the trap again. Although this is a lonely season and I'm constantly thinking about what it was last year...I must get it through my head that it's a new Christmas year, meaning time for new memories... I just need to allow the old ones to-fade.

Although it breaks my heart, I can't help but relate to him in ways. I've just learned to handle it differently. But, I must admit...he isn't sorry-and if he called...

I wouldn't answer the phone.

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before

This Has Become the Fight of My Life...

Head up high, fist's prepared to swing...I was ready for the battle. As I got up, using my own strength, I got hit down quicker than I could even blink. Face down on the ground, I had a choice...Do I try it again, or do I just find my place on the ground? There is no way my pride would let me get comfortable on the ground so, again, I struggled to get up. I hardly had made it to a full stance when ((BaM)). I opened my eyes and I was face to face with the ground. It was then I had came to the conclusion...I can't fight this battle on my own strength. So, it was then that I had decided that I'd comfortably find a spot on the ground...what was the lowest I could get? At least I didn't have to fight anymore. At least I didn't have to face the raging war against me any longer. It was then my hands were up...and I gave up.

"I ain't gonna lie
I can't even count the days
Or the many nights I tried living here alone
A heart full of pride
Couldn't see the enemy was me
I was blind and thought my second chance was gone
A ship without a sail
Battered by the raging sea
Taking any love I can to try and stop the rain
While waiting to exhale I finally got on my knees
I know it's been a long time
Do you still remember my name?"

I was lost at sea. Once upon a time, I had looked to Christ to guide me. Yet, when the storm came along-no longer could I see. I became blind in an instant and it was for a long time that I allowed myself to be a zombie...only following the enemies orders. Ephesians 2: 1-2 "Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil-the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God." I had become a ship without a sail. I was battered by the raging sea. Bruised and bleeding, I didn't care. If I couldn't feel it, then why try to fix it? I began to fight against the ones who'd protect me from the storm and from the One who'd calm it. Any kind of "quick fix"-any kind of "love" that I thought would ease it...only began to suffocate me. Pride was in the way, it would never allow me to surrender. So it was then that I chose to hold my breathe to see when it'd be that I'd pass away and just become a lost treasure in the midst of the sea.

"I try and try to keep my mind on you
But trouble keeps calling me
Every time a wound heals
Something else takes the healing away
But even when I've gone too far
You don't even call my name
Mama said if you love let it go
And if it comes back then it's back to stay
You already knew I belong to only you
I run to your arms and say"

I ended up in a desert. The wilderness as some call it. I looked around and I could see nothing for miles on out...I called out and I only heard the whispers of the wind. My heart was as cold and hard as stone, no one could reach me...not even myself. I walked on for days...pride held me back from calling His name. It was when I was covered in scabs that I fell to my knees and I cried out His name. In an instant, He came near. What should have taken only a few weeks took months. All along He provided water, comfort, food, and reason to keep holding on. It was a struggle to give up control to Him because for so long the ones I'd ever trust only let me down. Soon enough though, I realized He will never leave me nor forsake me. When I allowed Him to break down my walls and defenses, He began to heal the wounds to my heart, soul, and mind. My Savior began to build back up a beautiful masterpiece. It was only so little after all of this started taking place, that the enemy began to taunt his lost follower. The wound being healed, was reopened...taking away the healing ointment Christ placed in it. It was hard to keep my eyes on Jesus when I was being tormented and teased...so I started to drown.

"Never knew a life so cold
Thought that things could fulfill my soul
Tried to find love on my own
It was hard to admit I was wrong
No money, no cars, no fame, no lies, no games my life is taken"

All was taken. I had nothing left to me. Again, on my knees...I was surrendering to the One who saved my soul. I realized in the moment, Ephesians 6: 10-12 "Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against might powers in this dark world, and again evil spirits in the heavenly places." Once I let that sink in, I was more determined than ever to always keep my eyes on Christ and fight off Satan through HIS strength, NOT my own. It was then I allowed the warm sensation of Christ's true love wrap its arms around me. And, it was then I fell asleep listening to the beautiful rhythm of the beat to His heart.

"Oh I
Can't take another day without you
Cause this heart don't beat the same without you
I forgot who I was
Got caught up in this world
Jesus I apologize
I should've lost my mind without you
Not another sleepless night without you Jesus
I'm sorry and I'm asking please
Make us how we used to be"

Now I'm on a different journey. No longer is it that I try to fight the battles on my own strength, for my own strength had taken me to deaths door. I no longer am lost in the middle of a storm. I've had to learn the sometimes rather than calming the storm, God calms the child. He promises to never leave me, and He promises to give me strength. Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint." Now it is time to fight like I've never fought before-yet, I'll, "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)". I had once forgotten who I was...I once was conformed within the world...Thank God I've been found and saved. My prince has rescued me...I have been saved. Never will Satan steal what Christ has died for me to have. Freedom. It's a beautiful thing. "The earth couldn't handle him and the grave couldn't hold him, hell couldn't defeat him, and Satan will never deceive him." That's my God...MIGHTY to save.

Born Again

Well, where do I begin. I've been home for three days, and my heart is terribly broken. Everywhere on my right, left, in the front, in the back...is destruction. Satan has really been having a good time in Ft. Wayne...Last night at the mall, I was appalled that girls of such a young age were hollering at boys in their 20's and forcing themselves on them by their flirtatious ways and ((even in freezing weather)) small clothing. It broke my heart even more to remember:: I was one of them.

Satan has begun his work at placing thoughts in my mind of, "It's OK to take just one sip...no one will know"..."Oh, what is one drink? You had so much fun, remember?". It's so easy to get discouraged. My mind races with thoughts-but then God always places a calming touch on my mind, and He reminds me He's rescued me from all of that. He is my redeemer. He is my Savior, best friend, my Father, mother, brother, sister...he is my lover.

He is more and more apparent every new day. On Friday I had prayed to God for a blessing that I didn't know when or where it would be, but he knew my heart's desires, for HE is the one that placed them there. Sure enough to my surprise, the next few hours...He blessed me with exactly what I prayed for. The one who blessed me, said that they had been prompted by God three days before I prayed the prayer. It was amazing to me...just how awesome he is. I didn't pray for the desire in the moment that he prompted her to bless me. Three days later and HE blesses me. It's truly amazing how even in the little things, he wants to bring me flowers. He is truly the one that is glorious. It is so silly when people read the Bible and don't believe. How can you not? He is the wind in the air, he is the smile and laughter in a child's face...he is the love between lovers...he is the Father in my dad...he is so much to me.

Born Again
by: Third Day

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I'm not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I've never known
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
In my life

Home

I must say that my heart is racing as each new day progresses. I've been here for almost five months, and it will be only less than three weeks that I will be returning home. Home for so long was a place I wanted out of, yet now I desperately long for. I have never been so home sick. As Micheal Buble puts it, "Another winter day has come/And gone away/In even Paris and Rome/And I wanna go home/Let me go home/And I’m surrounded by/A million people I/Still feel all alone/Oh, let me go home/Oh, I miss you, you know/Let me go home/I’ve had my run/Baby, I’m done/I gotta go home/Let me go home/It will all be all right/I’ll be home tonight/I’m coming back home."

I couldn't have said it any better. I'm coming back home, it will all be alright...yet why is it that there is still a part of me that quivers at the very thought of it. It might be becasue I am starting a journey that is so different than the one that I had when I was home 5 months ago. I am so different now. I see things so much more clearly...and that just might be it. It may be that I am so hurt by all that I do see. All the destruction and the despair. All the things that I've been hearing on my fellow peers breaks my heart as I see that they have chosen death versus LIFE. That would have been me...

But now I'm coming home and who I am today is not the same from who I was yesterday. Something about me changed in that day and now as I am living this life of Christ, I am one more step closer to Him. Sure I'll take steps backward a time or two, but He'll always come to me and meet me where I am at just to take me back home. To him.

So, here I am. My heart and arms open wide-running to Him. I know that he is going to give me the strength to face what tore me down before everyday. I am willing to be his sacrifice. To serve him day in and day out. I am willing and crying, "HERE I AM LORD, SEND ME." And so he has begun.

Where he is sending me isn't to Africa. It isn't a missions trip outside of the states. Where He is sending me...

is home.