Head up high, fist's prepared to swing...I was ready for the battle. As I got up, using my own strength, I got hit down quicker than I could even blink. Face down on the ground, I had a choice...Do I try it again, or do I just find my place on the ground? There is no way my pride would let me get comfortable on the ground so, again, I struggled to get up. I hardly had made it to a full stance when ((BaM)). I opened my eyes and I was face to face with the ground. It was then I had came to the conclusion...I can't fight this battle on my own strength. So, it was then that I had decided that I'd comfortably find a spot on the ground...what was the lowest I could get? At least I didn't have to fight anymore. At least I didn't have to face the raging war against me any longer. It was then my hands were up...and I gave up.
"I ain't gonna lie
I can't even count the days
Or the many nights I tried living here alone
A heart full of pride
Couldn't see the enemy was me
I was blind and thought my second chance was gone
A ship without a sail
Battered by the raging sea
Taking any love I can to try and stop the rain
While waiting to exhale I finally got on my knees
I know it's been a long time
Do you still remember my name?"
I was lost at sea. Once upon a time, I had looked to Christ to guide me. Yet, when the storm came along-no longer could I see. I became blind in an instant and it was for a long time that I allowed myself to be a zombie...only following the enemies orders. Ephesians 2: 1-2 "Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil-the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God." I had become a ship without a sail. I was battered by the raging sea. Bruised and bleeding, I didn't care. If I couldn't feel it, then why try to fix it? I began to fight against the ones who'd protect me from the storm and from the One who'd calm it. Any kind of "quick fix"-any kind of "love" that I thought would ease it...only began to suffocate me. Pride was in the way, it would never allow me to surrender. So it was then that I chose to hold my breathe to see when it'd be that I'd pass away and just become a lost treasure in the midst of the sea.
"I try and try to keep my mind on you
But trouble keeps calling me
Every time a wound heals
Something else takes the healing away
But even when I've gone too far
You don't even call my name
Mama said if you love let it go
And if it comes back then it's back to stay
You already knew I belong to only you
I run to your arms and say"
I ended up in a desert. The wilderness as some call it. I looked around and I could see nothing for miles on out...I called out and I only heard the whispers of the wind. My heart was as cold and hard as stone, no one could reach me...not even myself. I walked on for days...pride held me back from calling His name. It was when I was covered in scabs that I fell to my knees and I cried out His name. In an instant, He came near. What should have taken only a few weeks took months. All along He provided water, comfort, food, and reason to keep holding on. It was a struggle to give up control to Him because for so long the ones I'd ever trust only let me down. Soon enough though, I realized He will never leave me nor forsake me. When I allowed Him to break down my walls and defenses, He began to heal the wounds to my heart, soul, and mind. My Savior began to build back up a beautiful masterpiece. It was only so little after all of this started taking place, that the enemy began to taunt his lost follower. The wound being healed, was reopened...taking away the healing ointment Christ placed in it. It was hard to keep my eyes on Jesus when I was being tormented and teased...so I started to drown.
"Never knew a life so cold
Thought that things could fulfill my soul
Tried to find love on my own
It was hard to admit I was wrong
No money, no cars, no fame, no lies, no games my life is taken"
All was taken. I had nothing left to me. Again, on my knees...I was surrendering to the One who saved my soul. I realized in the moment, Ephesians 6: 10-12 "Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against might powers in this dark world, and again evil spirits in the heavenly places." Once I let that sink in, I was more determined than ever to always keep my eyes on Christ and fight off Satan through HIS strength, NOT my own. It was then I allowed the warm sensation of Christ's true love wrap its arms around me. And, it was then I fell asleep listening to the beautiful rhythm of the beat to His heart.
"Oh I
Can't take another day without you
Cause this heart don't beat the same without you
I forgot who I was
Got caught up in this world
Jesus I apologize
I should've lost my mind without you
Not another sleepless night without you Jesus
I'm sorry and I'm asking please
Make us how we used to be"
Now I'm on a different journey. No longer is it that I try to fight the battles on my own strength, for my own strength had taken me to deaths door. I no longer am lost in the middle of a storm. I've had to learn the sometimes rather than calming the storm, God calms the child. He promises to never leave me, and He promises to give me strength. Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint." Now it is time to fight like I've never fought before-yet, I'll, "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)". I had once forgotten who I was...I once was conformed within the world...Thank God I've been found and saved. My prince has rescued me...I have been saved. Never will Satan steal what Christ has died for me to have. Freedom. It's a beautiful thing. "The earth couldn't handle him and the grave couldn't hold him, hell couldn't defeat him, and Satan will never deceive him." That's my God...MIGHTY to save.
