I've never really enjoyed the holidays. For years I'd always get grounded around the Christmas time due to the fact of guys being careless (myself as well). Or I'd lose a friend or two during the two week break off of school just because they'd find "someone" else. It was always a lonely holiday or a depressing one. Last year, even in its own mess, was one of the better Christmas seasons due to one specific person that joined our family time. He became someone so easy to love and one look into his blue eyes; you'd get lost in all the possibilities of who he is, where he came from, and all the places he could go or could become. Sadly, our friendship had ended in March-and although it took me a long while to finally get over the hurt of the ended friendship, the memories I just can't seem to stop playing around in my mind. For they seem to dance over and over throughout my thoughts day after day.
Is this season going to be a lonely one for him? And why is it that he refuses to come around when there is only love that is offered at my house? These are questions I often ask myself, but I'm aware that I may never get to know the answers. For his silence, or his saying something yet doing another says enough. He doesn't even know himself, and to try and figure him out like I used to would be a waste of my day. Yet, I still can't help but think of him daily and remember each day from 12-5-07 till the beginning of March '08. Basically he was apart of my family from those moments on, and reluctantly...he is a great deal apart of my heart this day. How is it that I could erase what all I know of his life and how is it that he could erase any of the things he knows of mine? He once fought for me. Well, twice. He fought to keep him in my life when I could have easily left him hanging in the air. Yet, he fought like he needed the friendship so bad...and he did, for at that time in his life he had no one. He was in a situation as to where he was on probation and couldn't be around the things that got him on it. I was safe. My family was safe. We took each other in. We allowed one another to go to the places we didn't let anyone ever go before. We got so close, yet we didn't know one another the way we should have. For, I still played my games on him. And he still lived his life of what originally got him in trouble. But when we got together, it was as if none of that matter-the world held their breath we were able to live in the world where all was silent and we only saw what we wanted to see of each other. Then he moved. And that's when it all began to change. The "fun" of Ft. Wayne was too much for him. No longer did he need to sweet tender heart of the girl who's heart he held. No longer did he need the family that wrapped their arms around him. No longer did he need what in all reality:: He needed. What happened was that what he takes as "independent", "self-sufficient" and "self-reliable"...really just gets him a mess. For now he is crying out but with no sound penetrating from his mouth. Now he is yelling and screaming and pounding his fists in anger and rage, yet no one stops to notice because he's drowned himself so far away that the only one that sees and hears him now, is the only one that is able to take him from the treacherous pain himself. The only one is the ultimate healer:: God himself.
I used to be extremely angry at him. It was to the point I fell for him so hard-and cared so much to the point of nearing an end to it all. That was dangerous love. There was no "safe" to it. So would that even be considered love? Or was it that I was too comfortable in what I made my own little world that any person that I actually enjoyed and wanted to be around...I felt like I had to control? Either way, there I was without him in my grasp. No longer did he find me amusing, nor wanted to be around me. In fact, it was better that we didn't see each other at all.
Going away for 6 months and getting healing from my past, was much needed. But I've come home to facing the present. Every day then turns into the past due to it no longer being the present. Each second that passes is in the past-so what am I to do about that? I can't help to approach this season with a bit of sadness, for the one that I fell so in love with is not with us. He is struggling and will not allow my family nor I to be around him. He is alone, yet wants to keep it that way.
Before hand I'd wait around just to hear from him. I'd sit by the phone all night when he told me we'd hang out, only to find out that I'd fall asleep and around four o'clock I'd get a drunk call from him like nothing ever happened. Yet, I'd constantly give him chance after chance...and I'd constantly look a fool. I could no longer play the heart broken girl, yet over and over I'd fool myself into falling for his blue eyes again. But those blue eyes, even though I love him dearly, could not persuade me into the trap again. Although this is a lonely season and I'm constantly thinking about what it was last year...I must get it through my head that it's a new Christmas year, meaning time for new memories... I just need to allow the old ones to-fade.
Although it breaks my heart, I can't help but relate to him in ways. I've just learned to handle it differently. But, I must admit...he isn't sorry-and if he called...
I wouldn't answer the phone.
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around
You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no
Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before
But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade
So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
