By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run


And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you


Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you lifeI want to give you life
Cause I, I love youI want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


Is it really that difficult for me to believe these words? Every day I fight it-why is it so hard for me to just relax and fall into his warmth and his promising arms? Oh but I feel him. He creeps up on me, surprising me with many things. He gives me the strength I need to finish the day, but what is it that keeps me so secluded and hidden in my own corner? I still seek out for those that I know really want nothing to do with me-they only use me for their pleasure of whenever they want a good time. Why is it that I run from the one who truely just wants my presense with him? I know all of these things, but my body does opposite. I pray that he will continue to pursue me and chase me until I run out of breath and I have nothing left in me other than to fall back into his arms and do as this song as...

I must trust::He'll never let me go.

Different

This is to you.

Who I thought was different.

The one who I told was different.

But tell me, how are you any different-

Than the ones who said they're different.

You did nothing different.
You showed no difference.
All you did that was different-
Was tell me I was remarkabley different.
No longer was I different-
For I fell for your lies of many difference.

These feelings are different.
They reveal our differences.
You don't seek out to chase "different".
We gave into our minds different.


Leaving was different.
Blind eyes seeing the laziness was different.
I long for different.
I cry to be different.
Yet it ends tonight because it's us-
All different.

Another Day When Thinking of You

What does a soul do when knowing just what it deserves, yet it continues to long after what only will harm it?

I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and rest there knowing that I'm safe and sound, but reality quickly hits me in the face and I have to realize that you look out for only what you need. You are not to the stage of where you are willing to protect my heart nor go however far of a distance you'd need to in order to attain its affection for you. The reason being is of your past hurts. I can't see you being someone I fall in love with, nor someone that I'd want to be the holder of my heart-so just what is it that makes me desire your every attention. I want to be the one you call your own and for you to proudly walk hand in hand with me, but I know that isn't what will happen. I know what it's like to have these feelings and then act abruptly on them...when will I feel content? When is it that I will just know?

Know. What I mean by know is knowing that finally I can just let go of everything that I'm deep down holding on tightly to. I may want you because I know that I can't catch up with you and it is keeping my mind off of what I know really counts and matters. I've got someone who adores my every movement-who wants to be linked arm in arm, yet I shoo him away because he is too good to me. He knows that what I want is most likely what he is and what he could give me but I continue to look for more. More being less. Less because I have gotten to the point as to where I degrade myself and I allow myself to believe that I'm worthless without even being told by anyone.

It may just be my own mind fooling me into this mess. Maybe you are a great guy that I could easily fall for but by making it as complicated as I have, it seems impossible to have you even long to love me. Love. What a word. So many meanings. Said too much. Yet, not said enough. But for as long as I can remember I've wanted it. Once I thought I found it-but it ran away from me like the night runs from the day. Am I running? Is it really not you at all, but it is me? As I think about it-I tend to assume and bring up things that I know aren't the case at all. I tend to convince myself again, that you and I want two different things and that we are going in two different directions, but isn't that where we can collide?

I'm torchering myself by thinking about you. Not only does thinking about you demand much energy from my body, but dreaming of you and your smile and laugh hurts my heart to wake up and know that it hasn't brought me anymore closer to you. For we are still so far apart and we may always be. It doesn't have to be physical distance that I feel with you-...It's so much more than that. It's the distance between our hearts which makes it all the difference.

What will it take to melt that cold cold heart. . .

Speaking Out In The Midst of Silence

"Your Silence Will Not Protect You" -Audre Lorde

You think I haven't asked myself if I "lied" my way through Mercy? You don't know how hard it is to live a lifestyle so suffocating, yet only to be expected to change it all within such a short period of time as if it never happened. At first, I would have done anything to leave. I was told in the very beginning of my stay that as long as I work the program-it'll work me. My mindset was, "Dang, I will work this however they want me to or however I have to just to get out as fast as possible." I wasn't ready for the heart change that was happening each day of my stay there.

I literally had a heart change. I was totally renovated and Christ over took all the control that I had tried so desperately to hold onto. I gave myself to him. So the question is, how can I fake the peace and gentle spirit that He had given to me? How can I fake the knowledge I had attained, the dreams I had dreamt, along with the goals and aspirations that He had placed within my soul? I can't. I'm not that good. I can fake or pretend many things...in fact I tend to do it a lot. But to say that I had pretended any of that? No. Everything I had written, everything I had said, everything that I had proclaimed---was all me with the Holy Spirit wrapping its arms so gently around me. It is really who I am deep within my soul. And it's as if that part of me is locked in a room that is on fire and I am seeing all the life outside when looking out of the window as I scream to be let out...but I'm trapped.

Coming home, much changed. It became easier to know and pin-point what is wrong with me, rather than trying to continually search for "who I am". Placing my finger on it, "I am this disorder(s)", slowly broke me inside and out. How I had once viewed myself, the way I once stood, the life I once had seems to be so lost. I feel as if I have died again. Giving up seems to have cost me everything. I seem so weak as if I have been defeated, it's as if I feel I am not strong enough to stand in the pain; even though I know that I am somwhere deep in the very heart of my...I am...

Coming "home" is much more of a challenge than I thought it'd be. I'm not alone, yet even when being surrounded by a million faces, I still feel so lost and alone. I've become entangled in my thoughts. I have succumbed to things that I'd typically be ashamed of-but now I'm numb to. I have been so afraid to allow pain back into my life, that I changed everything. I realized that when being vulnerable-I wasn't strong. Vulnerability put me in dangerous situations or positions in lives that I couldn't handle. I went into Mercy, timid and afraid...during the stay there I was protected so I didn't have to fight much anymore face to face-yet when coming home I had to fight back actually against them, so the way to do that was build a wall around myself. Every part of me I have hardened. What was first meant for men slowly became how I handled friends and family. This "plan of attack" within my mind has slowly corrupted everything I have learned, yet HOW is it that I let the walls down?

I hate this feeling of no longer feeling unity that for months I worked so hard for. The disappointment of who I've daily become is weighing on my shoulders. What I knew as wrong has turned to be OK. All that I had seemed to have gained is now lost. It's not why it once was due to pain caused from in the past. Now it is because of me. I have become my own enemy. I am fighting a raging war against myself and I don't know when the war will come to an end. I know that I have cheerleaders and supporters of those who long to see me succeed-I know that my family cry and their hearts ache for me with this...but no one can seem to understand. Not even I. To figure out ME, the milestone and the heart of who I am, only God knows. I keep having to say, "Oh Lord, my God, you know my heart...please guide me into where I meet with you again", because I am so lost in the maze of where I've been plopped right back into. It isn't anyone BUT me...but since I'm fighting a war against myself, it comes out as if I'm fighting against the ones who truly love me and long to understand. I'm not. I don't mean to hurt any feelings or to make any cry. I apologize, for I know I have broken many spirits. This isn't something I enjoy. For it is slowly and surely killing me softly. Any thing I had held onto...I seem to be letting go. And this is my biggest let down::myself. All that I fought so hard for, now I'm just letting go? All that I was determined to prove-I just let it all fall in order to shatter into a million pieces that I can't seem to pick up and place back together...

So what I do...what my defense has become is...

Silence. I remain silent. Letting no one in. And no one out. Not even myself.

I've Figured Out Who I Am

Am I what anyone wanted? Am I what they expected? It is right that I seem to have fallen...? I seem to have recalled asking for this. For the enemy to try and hit me but I wouldn't shake. I announced that I'd be on my knee's if anything and the only one that I'd have fallen down to is my Heavenly Father. I must stop pretending. But which one of me is pretending? There is so many. There is the one that disgusts my family...where when they look at me they turn in a scornful way. They move quickly as I pass by so I don't happen to brush up against them for who I am is disgusting. There is the one as to who they love. The one that is at peace. Says the right things-and does the right things...not the one that fails. There is one that is just wasting away day by day-each second counting down till I just wither into nothing but space.

At first I thought it was because I can choose who I want to be...then I realized-it really is something that I have. I have this disorder that sure I may be able to overcome, but man-I didn't realize just how serious it is until I read about it. Borderline Personality Disorder. It isn't a joke, it's a reality to me. Everything in it describes:: me.

"With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships. Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Fear of being alone...

Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.
In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:
Depression
Substance abuse
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Other personality disorders
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused."

Since when did this become true...since when did it begin to consume my life...? It makes sense. Perfect sense actually...

It's me. It's who I am.

So Long My Friend-To You I Must Say Goodbye

I've never really enjoyed the holidays. For years I'd always get grounded around the Christmas time due to the fact of guys being careless (myself as well). Or I'd lose a friend or two during the two week break off of school just because they'd find "someone" else. It was always a lonely holiday or a depressing one. Last year, even in its own mess, was one of the better Christmas seasons due to one specific person that joined our family time. He became someone so easy to love and one look into his blue eyes; you'd get lost in all the possibilities of who he is, where he came from, and all the places he could go or could become. Sadly, our friendship had ended in March-and although it took me a long while to finally get over the hurt of the ended friendship, the memories I just can't seem to stop playing around in my mind. For they seem to dance over and over throughout my thoughts day after day. 

Is this season going to be a lonely one for him? And why is it that he refuses to come around when there is only love that is offered at my house? These are questions I often ask myself, but I'm aware that I may never get to know the answers. For his silence, or his saying something yet doing another says enough. He doesn't even know himself, and to try and figure him out like I used to would be a waste of my day. Yet, I still can't help but think of him daily and remember each day from 12-5-07 till the beginning of March '08. Basically he was apart of my family from those moments on, and reluctantly...he is a great deal apart of my heart this day. How is it that I could erase what all I know of his life and how is it that he could erase any of the things he knows of mine? He once fought for me. Well, twice. He fought to keep him in my life when I could have easily left him hanging in the air. Yet, he fought like he needed the friendship so bad...and he did, for at that time in his life he had no one. He was in a situation as to where he was on probation and couldn't be around the things that got him on it. I was safe. My family was safe. We took each other in. We allowed one another to go to the places we didn't let anyone ever go before. We got so close, yet we didn't know one another the way we should have. For, I still played my games on him. And he still lived his life of what originally got him in trouble. But when we got together, it was as if none of that matter-the world held their breath we were able to live in the world where all was silent and we only saw what we wanted to see of each other. Then he moved. And that's when it all began to change. The "fun" of Ft. Wayne was too much for him. No longer did he need to sweet tender heart of the girl who's heart he held. No longer did he need the family that wrapped their arms around him. No longer did he need what in all reality:: He needed. What happened was that what he takes as "independent", "self-sufficient" and "self-reliable"...really just gets him a mess. For now he is crying out but with no sound penetrating from his mouth. Now he is yelling and screaming and pounding his fists in anger and rage, yet no one stops to notice because he's drowned himself so far away that the only one that sees and hears him now, is the only one that is able to take him from the treacherous pain himself. The only one is the ultimate healer:: God himself. 

I used to be extremely angry at him. It was to the point I fell for him so hard-and cared so much to the point of nearing an end to it all. That was dangerous love. There was no "safe" to it. So would that even be considered love? Or was it that I was too comfortable in what I made my own little world that any person that I actually enjoyed and wanted to be around...I felt like I had to control? Either way, there I was without him in my grasp. No longer did he find me amusing, nor wanted to be around me. In fact, it was better that we didn't see each other at all. 

Going away for 6 months and getting healing from my past, was much needed. But I've come home to facing the present. Every day then turns into the past due to it no longer being the present. Each second that passes is in the past-so what am I to do about that? I can't help to approach this season with a bit of sadness, for the one that I fell so in love with is not with us. He is struggling and will not allow my family nor I to be around him. He is alone, yet wants to keep it that way. 

Before hand I'd wait around just to hear from him. I'd sit by the phone all night when he told me we'd hang out, only to find out that I'd fall asleep and around four o'clock I'd get a drunk call from him like nothing ever happened. Yet, I'd constantly give him chance after chance...and I'd constantly look a fool. I could no longer play the heart broken girl, yet over and over I'd fool myself into falling for his blue eyes again. But those blue eyes, even though I love him dearly, could not persuade me into the trap again. Although this is a lonely season and I'm constantly thinking about what it was last year...I must get it through my head that it's a new Christmas year, meaning time for new memories... I just need to allow the old ones to-fade.

Although it breaks my heart, I can't help but relate to him in ways. I've just learned to handle it differently. But, I must admit...he isn't sorry-and if he called...

I wouldn't answer the phone.

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before

This Has Become the Fight of My Life...

Head up high, fist's prepared to swing...I was ready for the battle. As I got up, using my own strength, I got hit down quicker than I could even blink. Face down on the ground, I had a choice...Do I try it again, or do I just find my place on the ground? There is no way my pride would let me get comfortable on the ground so, again, I struggled to get up. I hardly had made it to a full stance when ((BaM)). I opened my eyes and I was face to face with the ground. It was then I had came to the conclusion...I can't fight this battle on my own strength. So, it was then that I had decided that I'd comfortably find a spot on the ground...what was the lowest I could get? At least I didn't have to fight anymore. At least I didn't have to face the raging war against me any longer. It was then my hands were up...and I gave up.

"I ain't gonna lie
I can't even count the days
Or the many nights I tried living here alone
A heart full of pride
Couldn't see the enemy was me
I was blind and thought my second chance was gone
A ship without a sail
Battered by the raging sea
Taking any love I can to try and stop the rain
While waiting to exhale I finally got on my knees
I know it's been a long time
Do you still remember my name?"

I was lost at sea. Once upon a time, I had looked to Christ to guide me. Yet, when the storm came along-no longer could I see. I became blind in an instant and it was for a long time that I allowed myself to be a zombie...only following the enemies orders. Ephesians 2: 1-2 "Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil-the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God." I had become a ship without a sail. I was battered by the raging sea. Bruised and bleeding, I didn't care. If I couldn't feel it, then why try to fix it? I began to fight against the ones who'd protect me from the storm and from the One who'd calm it. Any kind of "quick fix"-any kind of "love" that I thought would ease it...only began to suffocate me. Pride was in the way, it would never allow me to surrender. So it was then that I chose to hold my breathe to see when it'd be that I'd pass away and just become a lost treasure in the midst of the sea.

"I try and try to keep my mind on you
But trouble keeps calling me
Every time a wound heals
Something else takes the healing away
But even when I've gone too far
You don't even call my name
Mama said if you love let it go
And if it comes back then it's back to stay
You already knew I belong to only you
I run to your arms and say"

I ended up in a desert. The wilderness as some call it. I looked around and I could see nothing for miles on out...I called out and I only heard the whispers of the wind. My heart was as cold and hard as stone, no one could reach me...not even myself. I walked on for days...pride held me back from calling His name. It was when I was covered in scabs that I fell to my knees and I cried out His name. In an instant, He came near. What should have taken only a few weeks took months. All along He provided water, comfort, food, and reason to keep holding on. It was a struggle to give up control to Him because for so long the ones I'd ever trust only let me down. Soon enough though, I realized He will never leave me nor forsake me. When I allowed Him to break down my walls and defenses, He began to heal the wounds to my heart, soul, and mind. My Savior began to build back up a beautiful masterpiece. It was only so little after all of this started taking place, that the enemy began to taunt his lost follower. The wound being healed, was reopened...taking away the healing ointment Christ placed in it. It was hard to keep my eyes on Jesus when I was being tormented and teased...so I started to drown.

"Never knew a life so cold
Thought that things could fulfill my soul
Tried to find love on my own
It was hard to admit I was wrong
No money, no cars, no fame, no lies, no games my life is taken"

All was taken. I had nothing left to me. Again, on my knees...I was surrendering to the One who saved my soul. I realized in the moment, Ephesians 6: 10-12 "Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against might powers in this dark world, and again evil spirits in the heavenly places." Once I let that sink in, I was more determined than ever to always keep my eyes on Christ and fight off Satan through HIS strength, NOT my own. It was then I allowed the warm sensation of Christ's true love wrap its arms around me. And, it was then I fell asleep listening to the beautiful rhythm of the beat to His heart.

"Oh I
Can't take another day without you
Cause this heart don't beat the same without you
I forgot who I was
Got caught up in this world
Jesus I apologize
I should've lost my mind without you
Not another sleepless night without you Jesus
I'm sorry and I'm asking please
Make us how we used to be"

Now I'm on a different journey. No longer is it that I try to fight the battles on my own strength, for my own strength had taken me to deaths door. I no longer am lost in the middle of a storm. I've had to learn the sometimes rather than calming the storm, God calms the child. He promises to never leave me, and He promises to give me strength. Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint." Now it is time to fight like I've never fought before-yet, I'll, "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)". I had once forgotten who I was...I once was conformed within the world...Thank God I've been found and saved. My prince has rescued me...I have been saved. Never will Satan steal what Christ has died for me to have. Freedom. It's a beautiful thing. "The earth couldn't handle him and the grave couldn't hold him, hell couldn't defeat him, and Satan will never deceive him." That's my God...MIGHTY to save.