Speaking Out In The Midst of Silence

"Your Silence Will Not Protect You" -Audre Lorde

You think I haven't asked myself if I "lied" my way through Mercy? You don't know how hard it is to live a lifestyle so suffocating, yet only to be expected to change it all within such a short period of time as if it never happened. At first, I would have done anything to leave. I was told in the very beginning of my stay that as long as I work the program-it'll work me. My mindset was, "Dang, I will work this however they want me to or however I have to just to get out as fast as possible." I wasn't ready for the heart change that was happening each day of my stay there.

I literally had a heart change. I was totally renovated and Christ over took all the control that I had tried so desperately to hold onto. I gave myself to him. So the question is, how can I fake the peace and gentle spirit that He had given to me? How can I fake the knowledge I had attained, the dreams I had dreamt, along with the goals and aspirations that He had placed within my soul? I can't. I'm not that good. I can fake or pretend many things...in fact I tend to do it a lot. But to say that I had pretended any of that? No. Everything I had written, everything I had said, everything that I had proclaimed---was all me with the Holy Spirit wrapping its arms so gently around me. It is really who I am deep within my soul. And it's as if that part of me is locked in a room that is on fire and I am seeing all the life outside when looking out of the window as I scream to be let out...but I'm trapped.

Coming home, much changed. It became easier to know and pin-point what is wrong with me, rather than trying to continually search for "who I am". Placing my finger on it, "I am this disorder(s)", slowly broke me inside and out. How I had once viewed myself, the way I once stood, the life I once had seems to be so lost. I feel as if I have died again. Giving up seems to have cost me everything. I seem so weak as if I have been defeated, it's as if I feel I am not strong enough to stand in the pain; even though I know that I am somwhere deep in the very heart of my...I am...

Coming "home" is much more of a challenge than I thought it'd be. I'm not alone, yet even when being surrounded by a million faces, I still feel so lost and alone. I've become entangled in my thoughts. I have succumbed to things that I'd typically be ashamed of-but now I'm numb to. I have been so afraid to allow pain back into my life, that I changed everything. I realized that when being vulnerable-I wasn't strong. Vulnerability put me in dangerous situations or positions in lives that I couldn't handle. I went into Mercy, timid and afraid...during the stay there I was protected so I didn't have to fight much anymore face to face-yet when coming home I had to fight back actually against them, so the way to do that was build a wall around myself. Every part of me I have hardened. What was first meant for men slowly became how I handled friends and family. This "plan of attack" within my mind has slowly corrupted everything I have learned, yet HOW is it that I let the walls down?

I hate this feeling of no longer feeling unity that for months I worked so hard for. The disappointment of who I've daily become is weighing on my shoulders. What I knew as wrong has turned to be OK. All that I had seemed to have gained is now lost. It's not why it once was due to pain caused from in the past. Now it is because of me. I have become my own enemy. I am fighting a raging war against myself and I don't know when the war will come to an end. I know that I have cheerleaders and supporters of those who long to see me succeed-I know that my family cry and their hearts ache for me with this...but no one can seem to understand. Not even I. To figure out ME, the milestone and the heart of who I am, only God knows. I keep having to say, "Oh Lord, my God, you know my heart...please guide me into where I meet with you again", because I am so lost in the maze of where I've been plopped right back into. It isn't anyone BUT me...but since I'm fighting a war against myself, it comes out as if I'm fighting against the ones who truly love me and long to understand. I'm not. I don't mean to hurt any feelings or to make any cry. I apologize, for I know I have broken many spirits. This isn't something I enjoy. For it is slowly and surely killing me softly. Any thing I had held onto...I seem to be letting go. And this is my biggest let down::myself. All that I fought so hard for, now I'm just letting go? All that I was determined to prove-I just let it all fall in order to shatter into a million pieces that I can't seem to pick up and place back together...

So what I do...what my defense has become is...

Silence. I remain silent. Letting no one in. And no one out. Not even myself.

I've Figured Out Who I Am

Am I what anyone wanted? Am I what they expected? It is right that I seem to have fallen...? I seem to have recalled asking for this. For the enemy to try and hit me but I wouldn't shake. I announced that I'd be on my knee's if anything and the only one that I'd have fallen down to is my Heavenly Father. I must stop pretending. But which one of me is pretending? There is so many. There is the one that disgusts my family...where when they look at me they turn in a scornful way. They move quickly as I pass by so I don't happen to brush up against them for who I am is disgusting. There is the one as to who they love. The one that is at peace. Says the right things-and does the right things...not the one that fails. There is one that is just wasting away day by day-each second counting down till I just wither into nothing but space.

At first I thought it was because I can choose who I want to be...then I realized-it really is something that I have. I have this disorder that sure I may be able to overcome, but man-I didn't realize just how serious it is until I read about it. Borderline Personality Disorder. It isn't a joke, it's a reality to me. Everything in it describes:: me.

"With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships. Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Fear of being alone...

Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.
In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:
Depression
Substance abuse
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Other personality disorders
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused."

Since when did this become true...since when did it begin to consume my life...? It makes sense. Perfect sense actually...

It's me. It's who I am.