Am I what anyone wanted? Am I what they expected? It is right that I seem to have fallen...? I seem to have recalled asking for this. For the enemy to try and hit me but I wouldn't shake. I announced that I'd be on my knee's if anything and the only one that I'd have fallen down to is my Heavenly Father. I must stop pretending. But which one of me is pretending? There is so many. There is the one that disgusts my family...where when they look at me they turn in a scornful way. They move quickly as I pass by so I don't happen to brush up against them for who I am is disgusting. There is the one as to who they love. The one that is at peace. Says the right things-and does the right things...not the one that fails. There is one that is just wasting away day by day-each second counting down till I just wither into nothing but space.
At first I thought it was because I can choose who I want to be...then I realized-it really is something that I have. I have this disorder that sure I may be able to overcome, but man-I didn't realize just how serious it is until I read about it. Borderline Personality Disorder. It isn't a joke, it's a reality to me. Everything in it describes:: me.
"With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships. Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Fear of being alone...
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Fear of being alone...
Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.
In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:
Depression
Substance abuse
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Other personality disorders
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused."
In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:
Depression
Substance abuse
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Other personality disorders
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused."
Since when did this become true...since when did it begin to consume my life...? It makes sense. Perfect sense actually...
It's me. It's who I am. 
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