A Likely Story

I'm dying for a change and a peace of mind, but I don't even know where to begin to get it. I have so much that I want to write and get out of my system, but to place them in words is what is making this very hard. Things just don't seem right. I knew that it'd happen, for it was going so well. Next thing I knew I was struggling to really place the peices together. Maybe that is suppose to happen. Like, maybe it's best for things to remain unknown that way life keeps you guessing. Yet, I can't grasp that. I want to be able to know just what is running through his mind. I want to know just what it is that he is holding back and not allowing me to know. But, I fear I won't ever know. So...I accept it and I move on.

I'm constantly wanting to cry, but tears don't come. The only time they do is when it comes out. The only time I fear the tear staining my cheek is when sickness over takes my body and I let it all go. I can't help the fact that I'm stuck. I have no other choice just becuase I long to cry. Even when the worst of situations happen, I just hold it in and the result of that is anger. And when the anger comes out-it is like a fire...I hurt and burn down everything I touch. It's not attractive. Who would ever love something like that? The medicine is helping my moods at times, but I still don't know what to do about what really haunts me.

"You are the hero of your own story"...am I really? Becuase all I feel is that I'm the villan of my own story. I am my own worst enemy. I know others have it worse and if they do, then my heart aches for them becuase what I go through and live through is enough for me to quit fighting. I was once so strong. When is it that I gave up? No one wants someone who gives up as easily as they breathe. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and see past the reflection. I wish I could look into my eyes and see more than what meets the eye. Am I making it more worse than what it really should be? Do I sound as if I'm exaggerating? Maybe its just one of those things that I'm writing and yet I am really not feeling all of this. But, I wouldn't make it up. I couldn't make up or write these feelings unless I'm pretending to be another character. Maybe I'm just living another life of JayLise...My writers name. Or maybe it is the good life that I want to pretend from her. I see that I have so many things to be thankful for, so why is it that the darkness and the negative are what wraps itself around me? I see it in the moment...yet shortly after anger comes in and I am blind to all the good. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just walking in a mist of emotions and then numb myself to them all so that I don't have to feel. Thats why the drug feels so good at times. I don't feel, I don't think...I just am in the moment. Yet, that must stop. I must learn to feel. I must face it...but facing it is what has me turn around.

It's a scary thing not knowing when I'm going to go into those modes. You know, those that I am really low and I'm walking in space. I don't have any gravity holding me down. It's those days that I truly let go of all I go through and I want to just fly away...float in my own world. It's days like those that I wish to just be taken away into another place without a care in the world. I just want to get out of this cage of life and fly.

I Think I've Fallen, Maybe Quite Hard Over You

Remember when first meeting officially? At the coffee shop? I hadn’t the slightest idea things would ever end up the way they have. Yet, I can’t complain because although we aren’t on speaking terms right now; I wouldn’t change all that has taken place. It aches my heart to know that there are “things” about you that you have to fix and I can’t be there by your side. You’ll always be my friend-well what is your definition of that, because I’m pretty sure me having to sit on the side lines and not be able to say anything is not a part of that definition. But that is just me. Just as John Legend sings “ I will stay with you through the ups and downs, I will stay with you when no one else is around. When the dark clouds arrive, I will stay by your side, I know we’ll be alright-I will stay with you.” I wish you understood…I’m not going anywhere no matter how hard you try and push me farther and farther away.
At the coffee shop, I exposed much to you that I typically keep to myself. You continued to pursue me no matter how “different” I may have been. You were the only one who got to watch a transition take place because of the pain and hurt that wasn’t resolved with me. You watched me get out of character and change every day into someone who wasn’t the same as the girl you knew from the coffee shop. You stuck by my side. You never let me transition into who I am, alone. While in CO, we both did our own thing. That was hard for me at first. Very hard, but I got used to it because CO became my own journey I needed to go through alone. Coming home from there I was different, as well as you were.
Maybe not personality wise, but your opinion of you are I. It was more adamant, and you did NOT want a gf. Over and over I heard the same thing and finally we got to talk about it. You finally got to hear my side. In CO, I trained myself to not expect anything from you so that I wouldn’t be disappointed. It was easy for me to not be hurt by the fact that you didn’t want a gf. I wasn’t disappointed, nor did I take it personally. You were the closest guy to me, and you knew what even my girlfriends didn’t. I didn’t want to not be around you. I couldn’t stand that thought.
So, I stuck around and you let me. I grew closer to you, but I remained emotionally numb because I knew where your mind lied. Something changed. Was it letting our walls down? Or were we just too comfortable being around each other that we figured, “Well, I see you all the time, I kiss you, we hold hands---might as well”? What transpired when we weren’t looking? I didn’t stop it because I loved being so near to you, BuT, I also didn’t push it because I knew where your mind was set. No gf. I got that.
I suppose I stopped or should I say started, to detach myself from you emotionally once I saw that I was becoming emotionally attached without my knowing. I knew something was up, I could read it through your actions. You tried, and yet I saw through it, your mind was else where. I understood, just like I understand now. All honesty, I get the whole “not talking” because I do adore you too much and it’d be a temptation…yet, it is hard. That doesn’t make it any less hard.
Meeting you was no coincidence, yet I don’t believe it was destiny either. It was all for a beautiful purpose no matter where the road takes us now. You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know. And for that, I thank you. I believe in you dear, and I hope you can get what all you need to be “fixed”…that you get it “fixed”. I’m always here..just a phone call or a text away. Always for you…always.
I’ll be waiting…