Another Day When Thinking of You

What does a soul do when knowing just what it deserves, yet it continues to long after what only will harm it?

I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and rest there knowing that I'm safe and sound, but reality quickly hits me in the face and I have to realize that you look out for only what you need. You are not to the stage of where you are willing to protect my heart nor go however far of a distance you'd need to in order to attain its affection for you. The reason being is of your past hurts. I can't see you being someone I fall in love with, nor someone that I'd want to be the holder of my heart-so just what is it that makes me desire your every attention. I want to be the one you call your own and for you to proudly walk hand in hand with me, but I know that isn't what will happen. I know what it's like to have these feelings and then act abruptly on them...when will I feel content? When is it that I will just know?

Know. What I mean by know is knowing that finally I can just let go of everything that I'm deep down holding on tightly to. I may want you because I know that I can't catch up with you and it is keeping my mind off of what I know really counts and matters. I've got someone who adores my every movement-who wants to be linked arm in arm, yet I shoo him away because he is too good to me. He knows that what I want is most likely what he is and what he could give me but I continue to look for more. More being less. Less because I have gotten to the point as to where I degrade myself and I allow myself to believe that I'm worthless without even being told by anyone.

It may just be my own mind fooling me into this mess. Maybe you are a great guy that I could easily fall for but by making it as complicated as I have, it seems impossible to have you even long to love me. Love. What a word. So many meanings. Said too much. Yet, not said enough. But for as long as I can remember I've wanted it. Once I thought I found it-but it ran away from me like the night runs from the day. Am I running? Is it really not you at all, but it is me? As I think about it-I tend to assume and bring up things that I know aren't the case at all. I tend to convince myself again, that you and I want two different things and that we are going in two different directions, but isn't that where we can collide?

I'm torchering myself by thinking about you. Not only does thinking about you demand much energy from my body, but dreaming of you and your smile and laugh hurts my heart to wake up and know that it hasn't brought me anymore closer to you. For we are still so far apart and we may always be. It doesn't have to be physical distance that I feel with you-...It's so much more than that. It's the distance between our hearts which makes it all the difference.

What will it take to melt that cold cold heart. . .