A Likely Story

I'm dying for a change and a peace of mind, but I don't even know where to begin to get it. I have so much that I want to write and get out of my system, but to place them in words is what is making this very hard. Things just don't seem right. I knew that it'd happen, for it was going so well. Next thing I knew I was struggling to really place the peices together. Maybe that is suppose to happen. Like, maybe it's best for things to remain unknown that way life keeps you guessing. Yet, I can't grasp that. I want to be able to know just what is running through his mind. I want to know just what it is that he is holding back and not allowing me to know. But, I fear I won't ever know. So...I accept it and I move on.

I'm constantly wanting to cry, but tears don't come. The only time they do is when it comes out. The only time I fear the tear staining my cheek is when sickness over takes my body and I let it all go. I can't help the fact that I'm stuck. I have no other choice just becuase I long to cry. Even when the worst of situations happen, I just hold it in and the result of that is anger. And when the anger comes out-it is like a fire...I hurt and burn down everything I touch. It's not attractive. Who would ever love something like that? The medicine is helping my moods at times, but I still don't know what to do about what really haunts me.

"You are the hero of your own story"...am I really? Becuase all I feel is that I'm the villan of my own story. I am my own worst enemy. I know others have it worse and if they do, then my heart aches for them becuase what I go through and live through is enough for me to quit fighting. I was once so strong. When is it that I gave up? No one wants someone who gives up as easily as they breathe. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and see past the reflection. I wish I could look into my eyes and see more than what meets the eye. Am I making it more worse than what it really should be? Do I sound as if I'm exaggerating? Maybe its just one of those things that I'm writing and yet I am really not feeling all of this. But, I wouldn't make it up. I couldn't make up or write these feelings unless I'm pretending to be another character. Maybe I'm just living another life of JayLise...My writers name. Or maybe it is the good life that I want to pretend from her. I see that I have so many things to be thankful for, so why is it that the darkness and the negative are what wraps itself around me? I see it in the moment...yet shortly after anger comes in and I am blind to all the good. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just walking in a mist of emotions and then numb myself to them all so that I don't have to feel. Thats why the drug feels so good at times. I don't feel, I don't think...I just am in the moment. Yet, that must stop. I must learn to feel. I must face it...but facing it is what has me turn around.

It's a scary thing not knowing when I'm going to go into those modes. You know, those that I am really low and I'm walking in space. I don't have any gravity holding me down. It's those days that I truly let go of all I go through and I want to just fly away...float in my own world. It's days like those that I wish to just be taken away into another place without a care in the world. I just want to get out of this cage of life and fly.