Being Held Hostage

I have seen many changes come about from my past to the current day. What I used to be was strong in knowing who I was. I let no one get a hold of me and torture me in ways that I didn't see a way out from under them. When I was abused the first time, I got sucked into believing that no longer was I strong. My personality shifted and I became what I had to in order to survive. Once I found a way out of the reoccurring torment on my self esteem, I thought I would go back to being that strong girl who didn't let people tear her down. The safety that I leaned on, was just as worse.

I began to change everything about me in order to fit into the mold that I thought he wanted me to be. I was no longer someone that I knew. Not a single ounce of who I knew of myself was there anymore. I became a whole 'nother character just to keep someone who didn't accept me for truly what/who I was. That started a long journey of searching just who I was because I lost that person years ago. I let his input count and I let him control my personality. Near the end of things, I begged him-wanting to change into whoever he wanted me to be once more because obviously who I was wasn't the correct person that he needed me to be. But, that didn't end up being enough.

The next one that came to my side got to see me at a very broken and vulnerable state. I had to start back to square one with him. So, he got to see me weak and tired so who I was before no longer had the strength to go on. That person dissolved but yet I changed once more for this new one in my life. I knew that in order to keep him I had to be distant, yet at the same time I'd have to be what he needed whenever he needed it. Whatever he wanted-I'd give him. Whatever he needed-I'd find a way to hand it over to him. But being that person wasn't enough to keep him. He didn't need me. He was fine to be on his own, so who I had changed my character to being wasn't what would keep him in love with me. There was nothing I could do to be what he wanted. I was just someone to pass time. I was just a fill in when he was in trouble. I was a no body. Who I was-was never enough.

I was heartless. Yet, I changed for him as well. Who I was became "real". Any feeling I'd get, I'd show. Yet, it still wasn't me. My medicine was working but I was so stuck with him that I didn't know how to get out. I wasn't faithful to him because I never really liked him to begin with. Fighting became our habit and it became a way for us to release the stress we'd feel. He'd not let me walk away no matter how bad I wanted to, but he had a hold of me tight. He'd support me in anyway I needed him to. He'd do anything I'd ask of him, but I was never truly happy. I wasn't who he wanted and no matter how I changed, it was never what he wanted. What he wanted I could not be in that time of my life. I couldn't be kind. I couldn't always give him what he demanded of me physically and he never respected my "no". He always wanted more. More in which I couldn't bring myself into giving. I was so dead from being abused in many ways and it didn't help that he would abuse me mentally and emotionally. I was tormented and told that I was messed up. But he continued to chase me...I was angry and that was who I was. I had changed, not for him, but becuase OF him. I couldn't go on. So it ended.

Now I'm in a rut. I am being held hostage in this mess I don't even know how to get out of. Respect is demanded of me and yet I hardly get it back. Being blamed for every little thing and told that I don't need to be called names because I know what I am-if that is the case why come back to a whore? I have changed into someone for him because I don't want to have him leave. I couldn't stand that pain of being alone and not being able to breathe because I would be lost when I wouldn't have that someone to lean on or have that someone to think for me. Yet, at the same time I can't breathe because I am not allowed to do anything I'm used to. I'm no longer able to have any friends or anyone in my life other than him. And I seem to cry inside but on the outside not care. I have changed by allowing someone to control my every step. Who am I any more? I seem to have lost myself in the midst of everyone. I have lost control of myself. So, I let someone else take that control. I can't breathe without him telling me to. I can't take a step without him telling me I'm allowed to. Who am I?

I've lost myself in the midst of tranlsation. Giving myself to them all-and changing who I am, but it's never been enough to keep them. I've never been able to captivate them to remain having them in my life, and the ones I do-don't truly love me, they just enjoy the idea of love. I'm just a project of their mindset. Just a toy to play. I am really not who they know because I don't even know just who it is that I am.

So, who am I?

No Longer Remembering

I'm back again. Where I know that I am free and able to say whatever it is I feel with no judgment or harassment. When something drastic happens-isn't it typical to..."feel"? Yet, for me feeling is a hard battle. In reading all my blogs, I am constantly hearing or seeing...numb-numb-numb. This is true. Except for as of right now, I am not sure where I am at. Am I in the middle of this pain? Or have I stepped out of it viewing it from the outside, yet still feeling the pain that I see is going on? Or am I just...numb?

This feeling is a pain that I can't understand why it aches me so. Any other typical day, I'd be able to just let it rest and let it go. But I'm holding on. Why? Is it because I know that I did wrong? I caused someone pain, which in return kills me. My world is shaking. It is in a place where I can hardly stand without falling down. I don't care whether my emotions were shut off and numb whenever I was tore down, the fact of the matter is I did something to affect something that I had going for me. Right or wrong-whoever he was...I still did the inevitable. Even when having not the slightest idea of what I was doing in the moment, I made a fool of myself by saying those words that will now follow he and I. I was his life...his very breath. We made it work-we made it happen. And I didn't mind. I enjoyed being his world. He never left me he cared deeply and was by my side always. I loved his company no matter the moments of silence, or the moments that tiffs occurred. He seemed to bring me to life when all I was used to feeling was death inside.

There was something about him that had me drawn to him so intently. Maybe it was his touch that was so gentle and loving. Or maybe it was his laugh that we seemed to make each other do often. It could be the fact that he gave up things to be with me, because the mere presence of being around each other was hard to deny. I long for what I can no longer have...

all because I don't remember.

When it Rains

As I look at this blank page before me, I wonder just what words could fill it to inspire those who read whatever it is I write. I struggle to place the words in my mind the way that anyone on the outside of my thoughts could understand. I have been so tortured in ways that no one could imagine and even so, I'm still haunted by those demons. No matter how hard I try to run or the ways that I face those monsters-I come face-to-face with what is right in front of me, never letting me let go...holding onto me tight with a smirk around its face. This invisible being that has me trapped in the dark and the tiniest bit of light that comes (called hope) gets over shadowed by the darkness, tearing down any dreams or inspirations I have. It allows me to weep ever so gently with tears that never fall-yet brings such a hatred in my very soul that causes me to go into a deeper depression. Everything I touch is tainted by the dark and not even my family want me to step into their lives in fear of what demons may come out of my body...

I have longed for the love that would hold onto my heart tenderly. I see my heart as crumbled and broken. Useless and battered. Worthless and tormented. It has never been carefully touched or tenderly held...only been a project of what evil comes from a mans heart, soul, and mind. I see myself handing over my heart to a man who seems to perceive himself as a tender, gentle, loving man. One that will forever hold it closely, yet only to be torn apart and stepped on. They take what is handed over to them (ever so vulnerably) and hold it close. Then as the days pass on, they play with it. Threatening to throw it up in the air and pretending to not catch it; yet at the very last minute grabbing onto it with careful skill. More and more my heart gets fondled and more and more I cry out trying to grab it back. Yet they are stronger, faster, and more powerful than I am-and so they continue to toy with me. With each passing moment, I feel a pain at every strike to my heart, and each beat becomes faster and faster. I sweat with anticipation of what will become of me and how will I handle myself when it just drops and shatters. At that very moment of thought-I see them throw it up and this time, catching my eye, turn around and walk away. I have no time to run and catch it-so it touches the ground with full force and shatters into a million pieces. I am now dead inside. I have no living heart beat-no more soul-and no more breath to take. Where do I begin to even start picking up what was once so beautiful, and now is shattered, beaten, and broken. What is now useless, unworthy, and ugly. I see them all laying on the ground...my knees go weak and I fall to them. I don't even know where to begin
.Yet, it's so funny how someone can break your heart and still you love them with all the little pieces...

So, knowing that I have demons in my soul-and that I'm not to even touch the very children that I love so deeply; aches my very being. Yet they know not what they say. They have no idea that my heart has been so wounded and they don't even try to understand. They see a broken girl, but do they try to care to even pick up those pieces along with me? No. They continue to break them down until they are crushed into nothing but sand. So when I place the tiny pieces in my hands, they slip through the crevices as if nothing was ever there. That is when I began to shift everything. If I can't fix a broken heart, then why not hate what I can no longer feel for? I become numb to anything around me. It hurts to even begin to smile. The energy it takes just for a smile is more than I can bear. I am no longer living inside, no longer feeling what was joy or happiness. It is a bittersweet tragic day when the heart inside of me died. The cold air that was blown through attacked my body and finding warmth seemed to be nowhere in sight. Death overtook my body, beginning to have full control of my every move. And yet, they do not know. They refuse to see. I'm and just infected and have diseases that they do not want to be around. It is not as though my disorders can be passed to them at any touch, but yet they run as if afraid that it might. I am the monster. I am death.

Once upon a time. there was a little girl. The world was big, and yet she was so small. Yet, the adventures in life seemed endless and her very being was so free. The family that surrounded her loved to see her smile, and the joy she brought to them was wonderful and so real. The love in the family was easy to see the moment one looked their way. The little girl was able to live to love life and love to live life. Until the day where it all ended, where the hatred began to set in. The disorders began to set in and the darkness took place of the light. Hope seemed far away and unreachable, and dreams became nothing but silliness. The family got torn apart. No longer was there peace. In replace of that was confusion and bitterness. No longer was there solitude. Instead there became ruckus and havoc. The family lost sight of the little girl who once was, and only saw her as the girl who now is. Old enough to know what she is doing, yet so young to believe what plays through her mind and thoughts daily at every second. No longer do they care to listen or be apart of what they once were. Now they have their own lives, and the once little girl and now the girl that is-is no longer invited to be apart of the fairytale of theirs. She just became the monster locked in the dungeon-hidden in secrecy-tormented and never allowed out.

She is no longer apart of what once was called..."family".