No Longer Remembering

I'm back again. Where I know that I am free and able to say whatever it is I feel with no judgment or harassment. When something drastic happens-isn't it typical to..."feel"? Yet, for me feeling is a hard battle. In reading all my blogs, I am constantly hearing or seeing...numb-numb-numb. This is true. Except for as of right now, I am not sure where I am at. Am I in the middle of this pain? Or have I stepped out of it viewing it from the outside, yet still feeling the pain that I see is going on? Or am I just...numb?

This feeling is a pain that I can't understand why it aches me so. Any other typical day, I'd be able to just let it rest and let it go. But I'm holding on. Why? Is it because I know that I did wrong? I caused someone pain, which in return kills me. My world is shaking. It is in a place where I can hardly stand without falling down. I don't care whether my emotions were shut off and numb whenever I was tore down, the fact of the matter is I did something to affect something that I had going for me. Right or wrong-whoever he was...I still did the inevitable. Even when having not the slightest idea of what I was doing in the moment, I made a fool of myself by saying those words that will now follow he and I. I was his life...his very breath. We made it work-we made it happen. And I didn't mind. I enjoyed being his world. He never left me he cared deeply and was by my side always. I loved his company no matter the moments of silence, or the moments that tiffs occurred. He seemed to bring me to life when all I was used to feeling was death inside.

There was something about him that had me drawn to him so intently. Maybe it was his touch that was so gentle and loving. Or maybe it was his laugh that we seemed to make each other do often. It could be the fact that he gave up things to be with me, because the mere presence of being around each other was hard to deny. I long for what I can no longer have...

all because I don't remember.