Being Held Hostage

I have seen many changes come about from my past to the current day. What I used to be was strong in knowing who I was. I let no one get a hold of me and torture me in ways that I didn't see a way out from under them. When I was abused the first time, I got sucked into believing that no longer was I strong. My personality shifted and I became what I had to in order to survive. Once I found a way out of the reoccurring torment on my self esteem, I thought I would go back to being that strong girl who didn't let people tear her down. The safety that I leaned on, was just as worse.

I began to change everything about me in order to fit into the mold that I thought he wanted me to be. I was no longer someone that I knew. Not a single ounce of who I knew of myself was there anymore. I became a whole 'nother character just to keep someone who didn't accept me for truly what/who I was. That started a long journey of searching just who I was because I lost that person years ago. I let his input count and I let him control my personality. Near the end of things, I begged him-wanting to change into whoever he wanted me to be once more because obviously who I was wasn't the correct person that he needed me to be. But, that didn't end up being enough.

The next one that came to my side got to see me at a very broken and vulnerable state. I had to start back to square one with him. So, he got to see me weak and tired so who I was before no longer had the strength to go on. That person dissolved but yet I changed once more for this new one in my life. I knew that in order to keep him I had to be distant, yet at the same time I'd have to be what he needed whenever he needed it. Whatever he wanted-I'd give him. Whatever he needed-I'd find a way to hand it over to him. But being that person wasn't enough to keep him. He didn't need me. He was fine to be on his own, so who I had changed my character to being wasn't what would keep him in love with me. There was nothing I could do to be what he wanted. I was just someone to pass time. I was just a fill in when he was in trouble. I was a no body. Who I was-was never enough.

I was heartless. Yet, I changed for him as well. Who I was became "real". Any feeling I'd get, I'd show. Yet, it still wasn't me. My medicine was working but I was so stuck with him that I didn't know how to get out. I wasn't faithful to him because I never really liked him to begin with. Fighting became our habit and it became a way for us to release the stress we'd feel. He'd not let me walk away no matter how bad I wanted to, but he had a hold of me tight. He'd support me in anyway I needed him to. He'd do anything I'd ask of him, but I was never truly happy. I wasn't who he wanted and no matter how I changed, it was never what he wanted. What he wanted I could not be in that time of my life. I couldn't be kind. I couldn't always give him what he demanded of me physically and he never respected my "no". He always wanted more. More in which I couldn't bring myself into giving. I was so dead from being abused in many ways and it didn't help that he would abuse me mentally and emotionally. I was tormented and told that I was messed up. But he continued to chase me...I was angry and that was who I was. I had changed, not for him, but becuase OF him. I couldn't go on. So it ended.

Now I'm in a rut. I am being held hostage in this mess I don't even know how to get out of. Respect is demanded of me and yet I hardly get it back. Being blamed for every little thing and told that I don't need to be called names because I know what I am-if that is the case why come back to a whore? I have changed into someone for him because I don't want to have him leave. I couldn't stand that pain of being alone and not being able to breathe because I would be lost when I wouldn't have that someone to lean on or have that someone to think for me. Yet, at the same time I can't breathe because I am not allowed to do anything I'm used to. I'm no longer able to have any friends or anyone in my life other than him. And I seem to cry inside but on the outside not care. I have changed by allowing someone to control my every step. Who am I any more? I seem to have lost myself in the midst of everyone. I have lost control of myself. So, I let someone else take that control. I can't breathe without him telling me to. I can't take a step without him telling me I'm allowed to. Who am I?

I've lost myself in the midst of tranlsation. Giving myself to them all-and changing who I am, but it's never been enough to keep them. I've never been able to captivate them to remain having them in my life, and the ones I do-don't truly love me, they just enjoy the idea of love. I'm just a project of their mindset. Just a toy to play. I am really not who they know because I don't even know just who it is that I am.

So, who am I?