Only to Be Trapped...

Trapped...
Many people feel they know what that word means, but yet they haven't the slightest idea. In my mind being trapped is where you are backed up into a dark corner and no matter how hard you push or fight, no matter how hard you look for the slightest bit of light the way you are trapped and positioned, there is none. For me, being trapped is sometimes seeing a slightest bit of hope to get a way out, yet only to be sucked one more time into that corner; again seeing no hope-no light. Being trapped for me is a sinking ship that slowly drowns the further and further it goes down and there is no hope in saving that sinking ship.

Trapped...
He speaks so harshly to me. He degrades me. He insults me. And yet I remain. I remain strong as he beats me daily more and more frequently. Now I am a zero. Now I have no feelings that remain and no longer do I seem to stand strong. Like a falling building, I am falling slowly and with an ease until I hit the ground. Laying there, I am still taking the beating of his words. They pound and pound on me until I am flat on the ground with no breath hardly to my body. I'm bleeding profusely and I'm watching each breath get slower and slower. Yet he doesn't kill me. I'm still living, hardly, but living enough to watch and feel every word he says that shatters my heart piece by piece. Yet, I'm trapped.

Trapped...
I'm trapped in this corner because I have fallen. I have fallen where his feet lay and I haven't the strength to get up and run. So I question myself as to what I could have done better to be better. I am lying where he wants me and so he stands over me and spits on me over and over again until I am drenched with his spit. I am drenched wet with all of his fury and anger. All of his expectations that I seem to always fail. I am drenched with failure. Yet, I question to him, "Will you ever leave me? Prove to me that you love me...Do you truly love me? Is it true that you will break down if we were to break up? How important am I to you?" I just want to be something so great to someone. I want to be loved. I want to be remembered if he were to just up and leave me or if we weren't to work out. I want to be thought of and even though we aren't together, to be able to have him smile because of the times that were shared. Yet, I am trapped because I am asking questions I know the true answer to, but I just can't seem to face it.

Trapped...
What importance do I have in his life? If he looks another way at someone else and tries to initiate some kind of something with her, then what good am I? What do I have that is so great about me when I am not the only one he looking at, wanting to be with, or captivating his attention? I am trapped because although I ask those questions, I want to believe the truth he shares when he says she is nothing. That she knows. Only, I am told different. Who do I believe? Where is the simplicity of life? Letting go? Giving up? No, I have to keep breathing with what little breath I have. His foot is on my chest with full weight being put on it. I'm wheezing trying to grasp onto what I have left...Why doesn't he just kill me? Why doesn't he just do what I know he trying to do but yet I remain...

Trapped...
In his kindness, I feel that maybe he'll help me up-and he does. There is a moment where I see a change in his eyes and he kneels down, see's what he has done and he helps clean me up and helps me stand. I take him back although I know what he has done, for I have that hope he is finally coming around. But, the moment I am able to stand strong again-the cycle only begins to happen once more. I am spit on, I can take that. I am being taunted, I can take that. I am watching him as he looks elsewhere, I can take that. He isn't breaking me until...
Until he lays me flat down. Until he throws a curve ball and crack hits me right in the face and I fall. Again I am broken. How many times will I allow this? How many times will I allow the truth of being trapped haunt me?

Trapped...
I'm in something that is bigger than I am. I know there is One that is bigger than I am-bigger than trapped is. But when lying on the ground with pools of blood surrounding me, with my eyes swollen shut, with my throat cut open so I can't speak...all I see, feel, and hear is...

Trapped.