What exactly is suicide. Is it running from what you can't seem to face? Is it the feeling that you are so hopeless that you can't stand to live anymore? Maybe it is the way you feel like you have no purpose...like you have nothing to live for...nothing that is so great about you and that others will be so much better without you. Suicide is where you take your life because you see no other option. You are so wrapped up in your own world that you don't care of the lives you will torment when you take it. When you give it up and throw it all away, you are only thinking of one thing. Ending the pain.
I have tried. I have tried to run...to get away from the voices, to get away from what threatens me. Fear of living one more day. Fear of feeling the pain that each day brings. Remembering what happened...remembering the torment and being held down. Being cornered, being trapped in the moment that would change one life forever. Trying to move on, trying to forget and put it in the past is more and more challenging every day. Especially when you have someone reminding you every day of your past and who you were and what all happened. Someone who doesn't take what pain you go through daily into their precious hands...they just throw you around and want to watch you burn. I try to throw away what has made me, well, me. I try to place it in the back of my mind and forgive. I've forgiven, but myself I have not. I'm not free from all that happened, so I see no other way out then to take what I believe I waste. I waste air...the pain is never gone. If I go then I will finally be able to leave what I have touched and failed at. What I have touched and ruined. Suicide is a tempting thought.
What is it about running away that stables me? Well, I am told that I should go shoot myself in the head. That I must lock myself into my apt and think of how I fail. That I will never be happy. That I am not right in the head...I am questioned what I am so bipolar. I am told if he went into my work, I would be slapped so hard I wouldn't know what hit me. I am a nothing. If I am a nothing WHY remain on this earth. I am told enough that letting it go in one ear and out the other is hard to do. I'm told enough that I believe ever single word...is that what true love is? To believe what I am, yet I know that I'm not. Suicide will never leave my mind no matter how hard I try to fight it. When is it that I will learn to not think about it? When will I believe that I am more and I'm worth being on this earth. What exactly is the purpose I am to live?
As long as I hear those words I will never forget to show him what death is. It is a temptation, so I slit and cut all I can. The blood is the tears I can't seem to cry. Scars all over my arms and "ugly" written on me to remind me to better. Is that how it is meant to be? I figure that true love is when I will be abandoned. I fear it due to falling for it and then being left once more. Those three words are said so much, yet not enough. I hear it-and I want to believe it when I say it, but that is something I struggle because when I have loved and loved truly, I have been left. So, I fall for false love. That way I can't be disappointed when I am left, crushed, or abandoned. I'm comfortable with where I'm at in life...although every day I cry out loud for help, yet I can't seem to take that step forward.
Suicide...I wish I could fight the thought.
But he will never let me.
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