To be Young Again...

To be young again and never have to feel the pain of heartache...to never even have to know what the pain of what feelings can do, is a lucky stage of life. When young, boys don't seem to matter. Looking for what they could offer doesn't even seem to cross the young ones mind. They don't know what it is like to look into the one across from you and fall so easily into a feeling that only rarely occurs. When young, all that is being cared about is who's going to play today, what they'll laugh about, petty things like that. The heart of a man doesn't even matter. When young, feelings may be hurt, but there is never the deep aching the breaking, and feeling and feeling the pieces literally fall or they shatter onto the ground. There is never the feeling of abandonment from the one you entrusted with your heart. When young, things like that don't matter. Questions and curiousity of "why's the sky blue" often pop up, but never "what about me didn't captivate his attention?" Those feelings are never felt. If only to be young again...

How I long to be at the point where I don't have to cry at night due to the torment of what all "alone" does to me. It's an enemy I fear and feel it as if it is a bitter coldness that wraps itself around you...a night you can't run from...a feeling you can never hide from. Along is something, that when you're young, you never use as a part of your vocabulary. Only when you are young...

And then you get older. As you get older, you begin to feel more pain, and it becomes scary. It's as if dipping your toes into ice cold water. The feeling seems to send your body into a slight shock.You can't imagine putting the rest of your body into the water,, but something pulls you in. Feelings. That is what happens when beginning to understand them. It comes as a shock. Then your body dips into them and somehow you become lost in them. Trying to sort them out, even allowing some of them to get you into trouble. When someone comes along and attactches themselves to you, your feelings begin to jump all over. Scary...not sure what to do. You run full force into it, not even afraid of what may come. And for that slight moment of bliss, it is wonderful to feel...but then the end draws near and pain suffocates you. Then in that one moment you hate what makes you feel. You draw back, seclude yourself, and you long for what it was like to be young.

Time continues to go by. The clock never stops ticking, not for anyone...not even you. And in time there is healing, there's grief, and there is devestation. In time there holds nothing good. The years pass on and abandonment happens continuously. It never ends and you wonder, "why"...so you change. Who you are is never enough, so you lose yourself into becoming who you are not. Then once they throw you away you are right back into losing yourself in the midst of feelings. Feelings that you will do anything to get away from.

I've yt to find a peace of mind. All I long to do is shut my eyes to what I see, plug my ears to all I hear, and shut my mouth to all I say...sleep in such a deep slumber that I'll never be awoken from it. I want to run, rather than to face it. I'd rather give up on what I should hold onto...

I'd rather be young again.