To be Young Again...

To be young again and never have to feel the pain of heartache...to never even have to know what the pain of what feelings can do, is a lucky stage of life. When young, boys don't seem to matter. Looking for what they could offer doesn't even seem to cross the young ones mind. They don't know what it is like to look into the one across from you and fall so easily into a feeling that only rarely occurs. When young, all that is being cared about is who's going to play today, what they'll laugh about, petty things like that. The heart of a man doesn't even matter. When young, feelings may be hurt, but there is never the deep aching the breaking, and feeling and feeling the pieces literally fall or they shatter onto the ground. There is never the feeling of abandonment from the one you entrusted with your heart. When young, things like that don't matter. Questions and curiousity of "why's the sky blue" often pop up, but never "what about me didn't captivate his attention?" Those feelings are never felt. If only to be young again...

How I long to be at the point where I don't have to cry at night due to the torment of what all "alone" does to me. It's an enemy I fear and feel it as if it is a bitter coldness that wraps itself around you...a night you can't run from...a feeling you can never hide from. Along is something, that when you're young, you never use as a part of your vocabulary. Only when you are young...

And then you get older. As you get older, you begin to feel more pain, and it becomes scary. It's as if dipping your toes into ice cold water. The feeling seems to send your body into a slight shock.You can't imagine putting the rest of your body into the water,, but something pulls you in. Feelings. That is what happens when beginning to understand them. It comes as a shock. Then your body dips into them and somehow you become lost in them. Trying to sort them out, even allowing some of them to get you into trouble. When someone comes along and attactches themselves to you, your feelings begin to jump all over. Scary...not sure what to do. You run full force into it, not even afraid of what may come. And for that slight moment of bliss, it is wonderful to feel...but then the end draws near and pain suffocates you. Then in that one moment you hate what makes you feel. You draw back, seclude yourself, and you long for what it was like to be young.

Time continues to go by. The clock never stops ticking, not for anyone...not even you. And in time there is healing, there's grief, and there is devestation. In time there holds nothing good. The years pass on and abandonment happens continuously. It never ends and you wonder, "why"...so you change. Who you are is never enough, so you lose yourself into becoming who you are not. Then once they throw you away you are right back into losing yourself in the midst of feelings. Feelings that you will do anything to get away from.

I've yt to find a peace of mind. All I long to do is shut my eyes to what I see, plug my ears to all I hear, and shut my mouth to all I say...sleep in such a deep slumber that I'll never be awoken from it. I want to run, rather than to face it. I'd rather give up on what I should hold onto...

I'd rather be young again.

Letting it all Enter My Soul...

What exactly is suicide. Is it running from what you can't seem to face? Is it the feeling that you are so hopeless that you can't stand to live anymore? Maybe it is the way you feel like you have no purpose...like you have nothing to live for...nothing that is so great about you and that others will be so much better without you. Suicide is where you take your life because you see no other option. You are so wrapped up in your own world that you don't care of the lives you will torment when you take it. When you give it up and throw it all away, you are only thinking of one thing. Ending the pain.

I have tried. I have tried to run...to get away from the voices, to get away from what threatens me. Fear of living one more day. Fear of feeling the pain that each day brings. Remembering what happened...remembering the torment and being held down. Being cornered, being trapped in the moment that would change one life forever. Trying to move on, trying to forget and put it in the past is more and more challenging every day. Especially when you have someone reminding you every day of your past and who you were and what all happened. Someone who doesn't take what pain you go through daily into their precious hands...they just throw you around and want to watch you burn. I try to throw away what has made me, well, me. I try to place it in the back of my mind and forgive. I've forgiven, but myself I have not. I'm not free from all that happened, so I see no other way out then to take what I believe I waste. I waste air...the pain is never gone. If I go then I will finally be able to leave what I have touched and failed at. What I have touched and ruined. Suicide is a tempting thought.

What is it about running away that stables me? Well, I am told that I should go shoot myself in the head. That I must lock myself into my apt and think of how I fail. That I will never be happy. That I am not right in the head...I am questioned what I am so bipolar. I am told if he went into my work, I would be slapped so hard I wouldn't know what hit me. I am a nothing. If I am a nothing WHY remain on this earth. I am told enough that letting it go in one ear and out the other is hard to do. I'm told enough that I believe ever single word...is that what true love is? To believe what I am, yet I know that I'm not. Suicide will never leave my mind no matter how hard I try to fight it. When is it that I will learn to not think about it? When will I believe that I am more and I'm worth being on this earth. What exactly is the purpose I am to live?

As long as I hear those words I will never forget to show him what death is. It is a temptation, so I slit and cut all I can. The blood is the tears I can't seem to cry. Scars all over my arms and "ugly" written on me to remind me to better. Is that how it is meant to be? I figure that true love is when I will be abandoned. I fear it due to falling for it and then being left once more. Those three words are said so much, yet not enough. I hear it-and I want to believe it when I say it, but that is something I struggle because when I have loved and loved truly, I have been left. So, I fall for false love. That way I can't be disappointed when I am left, crushed, or abandoned. I'm comfortable with where I'm at in life...although every day I cry out loud for help, yet I can't seem to take that step forward.

Suicide...I wish I could fight the thought.
But he will never let me.