What He Called Independence

He sat and waited for him to walk through the door
The one he longed to be a father and more
As he twitled his thumbs, his mind raced with thoughts
What would he say? What would he do?
Would he stay or would he walk away for good?

As he entered the room, he looked and he sighed
He shook his head and the young boy cried
He took one step forward and yet the other turned away
"I have my own familoy now and I want no part of you..."
The tears never came but in his heart they poured through

Left standing there, he never felt so betrayed
The grudge began to form and always it will stay
Depending on someone who will always fail you
He formed a secret to never do that to himself
So darkness filled all over his mind and his heart

"I hurt from my head to toes", he said
"There's no more room to shove pain in."
He loses himself in alcohol, proving to be one of them
You think he'd learn, yet he only goes down
The chains of the past begin to be too heavy to carry

He hold grief against her, for she never was there
He protected them from hearing what all she lost herself in
He took the abuse, saving them from feeling it too
As she watched and she laughed, never once break through
From child hood to now, he is all on his own

So when she came along and her family gave him love
He embraced what it felt like, but then something creeped in
Four months went by, being accepted just for who he is
But he took steps back, betrayal might begin
He fooled her into thinking he was just like her dad

She wept and she died inside, losing him destroyed her
But easily he left and he pretended to be strong
Independence he thought was what he had
Depending on someone who could walk away gave him grief and deep in fear
Fear is what he lived for, but she never would be who they are to him

Now he is filled with anger and refuses to let her in
There is no forgiveness about him and no way will he let it begin
So alone he stands, faking what he calls is strength
He lost it all, and he's now living just like them.

What is Wrong

One of the hardest things, is being asked, "What is wrong with you?". I tend to ask myself that daily. What is wrong with me is the pain that seems to have wrapped itself around my heart like a spider weaving its web. Pain that penetrates throughout my body. I don't expect others to understand just what kind of pain that I have felt and have continued to feel. Pain that blinds me from beauty. I understand that others have it much worse, which aches my heart, but this is my story. So how will I write it?

I've been told, "You are the hero of your own story." I'm my own hero? I feel like the victim. I don't see myself as a hero because as each day passes, I get held hostage in my own jail cell. If I was the hero, I'd be able to save myself from the chains that weigh me down. I am not the hero.

They all leave me. Every single one of them. What is so wrong with me that I can't intrigue one person? Just one. What is it about me that makes it so easy for them to walk away without a glance back? I seem to have "vulnerable" written on my forehead, which makes it easy for them to seem interested-they make me feel as if I am worth their time, but in reality...I'm not. Reality slaps me in the face, and at that same moment-I turn for it to slap the other side.

I have been tormented with thoughts and been followed by memories. They've engulfed me and sucked me dry. I gasp for air, but it is too late...I have failed. Failure is a feeling all too familiar. Most of what I touch, I seem to break. It becomes hard to even function when I have "failure" replaying in my mind over and over again. It dictates my next step. That is why it is slowly killing me. Knives, alcohol, and pills...they seem to release all the pain that failure seems to bring to me. Each scar is a reminder of just that...that I failed.

What about rejection? Refusal, spurning, dismissal, elimination-all meaning one thing. Rejection. I have come to find that alone is a friend. I used to fear what alone would do to me. If it'd be an enemy or something I could embrace. I have always had people surround me for as long as I could remember. Although they surrounded me, they were what rejected me daily until it was they finally left me standing there alone for good. I never realized how alone I really was until I look back and I see what the real was. The real was that they never cared about how deep and hurt my heart was. The real was that they only cared about themselves and would never save me if I fell. The result? I fell a lot. It wasn't until just recently that my eyes have been open. Alone is more safe that being surrounded by chatter. Alone has become the friend that I've always been looking for. With alone...I'll never be rejected. It's there to stay. It will never abandon me.

I'm struggling to survive. I feel as if all the odds are against me, but I wake up each morning determined to tackle the days challenges. It feels as if barley surviving has become my purpose, but I must remind myself that-hey, at least I'm surviving.

...At least I'm surviving.