What is Wrong

One of the hardest things, is being asked, "What is wrong with you?". I tend to ask myself that daily. What is wrong with me is the pain that seems to have wrapped itself around my heart like a spider weaving its web. Pain that penetrates throughout my body. I don't expect others to understand just what kind of pain that I have felt and have continued to feel. Pain that blinds me from beauty. I understand that others have it much worse, which aches my heart, but this is my story. So how will I write it?

I've been told, "You are the hero of your own story." I'm my own hero? I feel like the victim. I don't see myself as a hero because as each day passes, I get held hostage in my own jail cell. If I was the hero, I'd be able to save myself from the chains that weigh me down. I am not the hero.

They all leave me. Every single one of them. What is so wrong with me that I can't intrigue one person? Just one. What is it about me that makes it so easy for them to walk away without a glance back? I seem to have "vulnerable" written on my forehead, which makes it easy for them to seem interested-they make me feel as if I am worth their time, but in reality...I'm not. Reality slaps me in the face, and at that same moment-I turn for it to slap the other side.

I have been tormented with thoughts and been followed by memories. They've engulfed me and sucked me dry. I gasp for air, but it is too late...I have failed. Failure is a feeling all too familiar. Most of what I touch, I seem to break. It becomes hard to even function when I have "failure" replaying in my mind over and over again. It dictates my next step. That is why it is slowly killing me. Knives, alcohol, and pills...they seem to release all the pain that failure seems to bring to me. Each scar is a reminder of just that...that I failed.

What about rejection? Refusal, spurning, dismissal, elimination-all meaning one thing. Rejection. I have come to find that alone is a friend. I used to fear what alone would do to me. If it'd be an enemy or something I could embrace. I have always had people surround me for as long as I could remember. Although they surrounded me, they were what rejected me daily until it was they finally left me standing there alone for good. I never realized how alone I really was until I look back and I see what the real was. The real was that they never cared about how deep and hurt my heart was. The real was that they only cared about themselves and would never save me if I fell. The result? I fell a lot. It wasn't until just recently that my eyes have been open. Alone is more safe that being surrounded by chatter. Alone has become the friend that I've always been looking for. With alone...I'll never be rejected. It's there to stay. It will never abandon me.

I'm struggling to survive. I feel as if all the odds are against me, but I wake up each morning determined to tackle the days challenges. It feels as if barley surviving has become my purpose, but I must remind myself that-hey, at least I'm surviving.

...At least I'm surviving.