This Is To You

This is to you.
Who took my heart and threw it sky high only to watch it fall and shatter into a million pieces covering the ground we stood on.
This is to you who defined what true rejection and abandonment is.
This is to you who taught me what it is like to give my heart away only to watch it fade like raindrops on a window.
You showed me what it is like to dread love only to embrace its pain.
This is to you who took my innocence and vulnerability and carved an image of hatred within it.
You drowned me before giving me a chance to grasp air.
You held my head down as I fought to keep it up and then you watched my body become limp with no more life to it.
This is to you who said words.
Words that I treasured and held close to my heart, yet they were just words.
They were empty with no meaning of beauty within them.
You have shown me what lonely feels like when emptiness wraps itself around me and swallows me up as if a tornado which picks up anything in it's path.
This is to you, who when you took off your hat to bow, you smiled as I slipped and fell.
This is to you.
The one that saw my brokenness, pretended to be the "fixer", yet destroyed me even more.
The one that took every ounce of hope, every possibility of love, every thought of "maybe"...and set them on the ground and slammed your foot down on them, watching them turn from something to a nothing in just seconds.
You are the one that hates me yet at every second of that hatred, I fell for you more and more.
This is to my destroyer.
My self distructor.
You are the definition of slaughter, of torment, nightmares, and of grief.
Your very touch is what turns me cold and places me into a shock state where there after I distill into nothing.
To you I have this to say.
For every day that passes by and I don't enter into your mind, I wish I did.
I wish that when you closed your eyes, you could see my agony.
I wish that you could see every tear that stained my cheek.
I wish you could see when those tears didn't fall, the red ones fell somehow on my skin releasing the tears within my heart that wouldn't fall from my eyes.
It'd bring me such a joy for you to feel just what it was like to be thrown around like a rag doll..I could never be perfect enough for you.
I wish that you could feel what it was like to be what is "convenient" to me.
Picking you up and dropping you off whenever I damn well please.
To you I have to say that I wish every ounce of pain I feel/felt on you.
I want you to have to embrace what it is like to never know when you'll be important...to never know what it is like to feel as if you are "something".
This is to you.
My destroyer.
My disaster.
My pain.
My heartbreak.
My tears.
My unhappiness.
Yet, somehow I have the nerve to still be in love with you.
This is to you.