Take this death away from me...

I close my eyes and I open them somehow expecting to not be here. I cry to understand, I long to know just what it is that has made this be the way it has to be. I've been told to try and not let it get to me; wonderful advice I say, for whoever said that must not know what it is like to feel as if something so special has been ripped apart from my grasp. For all of the times that I have felt so lost-I was able to finally feel understood and found. My heart is feeling so battered from all of the trouble we've been through just to remain friends. Who knew what a ruckus it'd cause. Yet, when I see you-my heart breaks just becuase the smile on your face isn't one that I placed there. The laugh I hear isn't due to us laughing together. I hate not being able to talk with you on the things that matter, things that don't matter, and things that we only trust being shared with one another just becuase in this moment we seem to be the ones that get it.
For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble being consistant and placing my heart in someones hands without either taking it back from them or them just having a blast torturing it's very beat. Yet, it was here at the Lost that I finally was introduced to one who was finally able to connect on a level that I've not allowed someone to be on just because their intentions are so impure.
*((*))*((*))*

That was written a while back when I didn't understand what all was going on. It is tremendeous how in the midst of a circumstance where I don't get all that is going on right in front of me, that I seem to shut down. I don't allow many in and the ones that are able to peek in-I rarely let them off the hook. I can't seem to see beyond only what my emotions blind me of. I can't think in moments and times such as those, therefore I get caught up in the feelings that lead my to destruction, forced tears due to anger, and bitterness beyond what a soul should even feel. I tend to get impulsive and act on the feelings that have destroyed me before. It was another example of just how much and how clear it is that I must quit relying on myself and my feelings-and I must RUN to the one who writes out the stability and consistancy that I so desire.
All has returned to normal-or so it seems. The trial was testing my heart and I believe that I learned much to it. Yet, now I'm even more convicted of who I am. I am running in an endless circle around this mountain that I fear to climb up. It will never cease to amaze me how God knows just how many times I will continue to circle that mountain until He interveines and tells me that it is long overdue for me to now climb up. The heighth is terrifying, so looking down and back seems easy just becuase to slide right back down just to continue to walk around the mountain-where it is safe, becomes a temptation. He has brought me to quiet-yet I've not been able to hear the silence due to the noise that buzzes throughout my ears. All the lies, the words, the harrassment, the fingers being pointed, the laughter of shame, and the tears of utter confusion haunt me endlessly. Yet He is patient.
He watches me. I feel it through the eyes of those that I am drawn to. The words of concern, is where I hear his voice...and the touch of comfort is where I feel him drawing near to me. Yet, I pull back. It is when I pull back that He humbles me showing me that I can NOT do it alone. I have got to have accountablilty. I can't be independent without dependence on him. As Jennifer Knapp sings so bodly, "There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul than I thought I had given away. They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed. A great fool in my life I have been, have squandered till pallid and thin...Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win.Well I've never been much for the baring of soul. In the presence of any man, I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure. In the arms of a sinner I am, could it be that my worth should depend by the crimson stained grace on a hand and like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will-To reveal all of You that I can ".
So, I felt I lost what was really just being temporarly prepared for the moments to come. I didn't lose it, and I don't believe I ever will. For we have become so much stronger than that. We have learned through the friendship together what it is like to fight through struggles and grief together...We have learned what it is like to rely on the unseen; feel what is hard, and hear what even seems to be the slightest whimper of a whisper...in doing so-we have been able to tredge over the waves that wanted to take us down. We were able to come out alive, and stand. Now...it is when we look up, and we run...We run...to YoU.
Granit, mistakes will be made. Thoughts will be had, and I know that falling on my face will happen beyond a time or two. I'm still slightly stubborn on surrendering it all...for I'm afraid to let that control go. I just haven't a doubt in my mind, that I won't be able to be fully used until I'm completely broken-so BREAK me. Destroy me to rebuild me. Make it so I'm flat on my face alone and with no where to go, let me crawl on my bare hands and knees to you...



//To you...