Only They Define It

Abandonment. What exactly is that? Is it self explanatory or could there be more to it? I believe there is more There is more because when being abandoned that seems to be just a word when in all reality, the feeling behind it is what grips you by the neck and chokes you to where you fight yet no longer can anymore and you let go of that last breath of air you had inside of you. Abandonment aches you at the very core of your heart and often the question, "why", is asked. Why am I being left? Why-is there something I did wrong? Why-is there something wrong with me? In my case, my "why" is already answered. I am too much.

Once I was told, "Any guy who hears about your past will think you are too much for them. They'll find you disgusting. You will push them away because of who you are and where you have been. The one who hears about your past will run away-you will never be happy." His words will never leave me. I will always be reminded that he never wanted me to be happy and he demanded the acknowledgment that HE is the best that I deserve and all that I will ever get.

Yet even the devil himself abandoned me. I scare them off yet my story isn't near the worst-so why the torture and WHY the abandonment when I just need someone to take me by the hand and when I can't see in the dark, they guide me. But if they themselves can't guide them out of the dark then they will only lead me further into the maze...only going in circles-seeing no way out.

I long to finally be held onto...but abandonment loves the way my skin feels as it wraps itself around me blinding me from those that will never leave. It only opens my heart up to those who will. Abandonment has followed me around when I am the one who will never leave them. I will never leave yet I am left because somehow I must ask for it. But I cry out-I cut-I overdose-I drink till no longer remembering because when I am blinded I am told I have nothing so I should abandon life...but when I do-only two remain when I wake. The two that brought me life but the rest run. The rest hide. The rest define abandonment for me.