A Likely Story

I'm dying for a change and a peace of mind, but I don't even know where to begin to get it. I have so much that I want to write and get out of my system, but to place them in words is what is making this very hard. Things just don't seem right. I knew that it'd happen, for it was going so well. Next thing I knew I was struggling to really place the peices together. Maybe that is suppose to happen. Like, maybe it's best for things to remain unknown that way life keeps you guessing. Yet, I can't grasp that. I want to be able to know just what is running through his mind. I want to know just what it is that he is holding back and not allowing me to know. But, I fear I won't ever know. So...I accept it and I move on.

I'm constantly wanting to cry, but tears don't come. The only time they do is when it comes out. The only time I fear the tear staining my cheek is when sickness over takes my body and I let it all go. I can't help the fact that I'm stuck. I have no other choice just becuase I long to cry. Even when the worst of situations happen, I just hold it in and the result of that is anger. And when the anger comes out-it is like a fire...I hurt and burn down everything I touch. It's not attractive. Who would ever love something like that? The medicine is helping my moods at times, but I still don't know what to do about what really haunts me.

"You are the hero of your own story"...am I really? Becuase all I feel is that I'm the villan of my own story. I am my own worst enemy. I know others have it worse and if they do, then my heart aches for them becuase what I go through and live through is enough for me to quit fighting. I was once so strong. When is it that I gave up? No one wants someone who gives up as easily as they breathe. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and see past the reflection. I wish I could look into my eyes and see more than what meets the eye. Am I making it more worse than what it really should be? Do I sound as if I'm exaggerating? Maybe its just one of those things that I'm writing and yet I am really not feeling all of this. But, I wouldn't make it up. I couldn't make up or write these feelings unless I'm pretending to be another character. Maybe I'm just living another life of JayLise...My writers name. Or maybe it is the good life that I want to pretend from her. I see that I have so many things to be thankful for, so why is it that the darkness and the negative are what wraps itself around me? I see it in the moment...yet shortly after anger comes in and I am blind to all the good. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just walking in a mist of emotions and then numb myself to them all so that I don't have to feel. Thats why the drug feels so good at times. I don't feel, I don't think...I just am in the moment. Yet, that must stop. I must learn to feel. I must face it...but facing it is what has me turn around.

It's a scary thing not knowing when I'm going to go into those modes. You know, those that I am really low and I'm walking in space. I don't have any gravity holding me down. It's those days that I truly let go of all I go through and I want to just fly away...float in my own world. It's days like those that I wish to just be taken away into another place without a care in the world. I just want to get out of this cage of life and fly.

I Think I've Fallen, Maybe Quite Hard Over You

Remember when first meeting officially? At the coffee shop? I hadn’t the slightest idea things would ever end up the way they have. Yet, I can’t complain because although we aren’t on speaking terms right now; I wouldn’t change all that has taken place. It aches my heart to know that there are “things” about you that you have to fix and I can’t be there by your side. You’ll always be my friend-well what is your definition of that, because I’m pretty sure me having to sit on the side lines and not be able to say anything is not a part of that definition. But that is just me. Just as John Legend sings “ I will stay with you through the ups and downs, I will stay with you when no one else is around. When the dark clouds arrive, I will stay by your side, I know we’ll be alright-I will stay with you.” I wish you understood…I’m not going anywhere no matter how hard you try and push me farther and farther away.
At the coffee shop, I exposed much to you that I typically keep to myself. You continued to pursue me no matter how “different” I may have been. You were the only one who got to watch a transition take place because of the pain and hurt that wasn’t resolved with me. You watched me get out of character and change every day into someone who wasn’t the same as the girl you knew from the coffee shop. You stuck by my side. You never let me transition into who I am, alone. While in CO, we both did our own thing. That was hard for me at first. Very hard, but I got used to it because CO became my own journey I needed to go through alone. Coming home from there I was different, as well as you were.
Maybe not personality wise, but your opinion of you are I. It was more adamant, and you did NOT want a gf. Over and over I heard the same thing and finally we got to talk about it. You finally got to hear my side. In CO, I trained myself to not expect anything from you so that I wouldn’t be disappointed. It was easy for me to not be hurt by the fact that you didn’t want a gf. I wasn’t disappointed, nor did I take it personally. You were the closest guy to me, and you knew what even my girlfriends didn’t. I didn’t want to not be around you. I couldn’t stand that thought.
So, I stuck around and you let me. I grew closer to you, but I remained emotionally numb because I knew where your mind lied. Something changed. Was it letting our walls down? Or were we just too comfortable being around each other that we figured, “Well, I see you all the time, I kiss you, we hold hands---might as well”? What transpired when we weren’t looking? I didn’t stop it because I loved being so near to you, BuT, I also didn’t push it because I knew where your mind was set. No gf. I got that.
I suppose I stopped or should I say started, to detach myself from you emotionally once I saw that I was becoming emotionally attached without my knowing. I knew something was up, I could read it through your actions. You tried, and yet I saw through it, your mind was else where. I understood, just like I understand now. All honesty, I get the whole “not talking” because I do adore you too much and it’d be a temptation…yet, it is hard. That doesn’t make it any less hard.
Meeting you was no coincidence, yet I don’t believe it was destiny either. It was all for a beautiful purpose no matter where the road takes us now. You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know. And for that, I thank you. I believe in you dear, and I hope you can get what all you need to be “fixed”…that you get it “fixed”. I’m always here..just a phone call or a text away. Always for you…always.
I’ll be waiting…

The Victim of the Heart

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” I haven't written for a while. I guess I preferred the silence screaming the unknown. For what all has gone on, I can't share all-but there's always a starting place. My heart has been the main victim of this tragic story, yet unknowingly it continues to have the strength to survive.

-
There was once a princess who refused to be caged in. She roamed around outside daily to feel the capacity of space and did not allow boxes to be placed around her imaginatively. Others tried to stop her, for her strong will feared them, but this princess knew who she was and why it was so.
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Princess once had a life of secrecy, where those closest to her knew nothing of. For years she hid the pain in a way that it all came seeping out slowly and progressively got worse due to the pain she felt each day from it. There was a questioning in her mind as to why it was she was so messed up inside, yet others around her found her to be this marvelous being. Wasn't it showing by her graceless walk she no longer was full of dignity and class? Why was it they continued to praise her, even though day by day she was falling into the darkened room?
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Looking in the mirror, she saw no beauty. All she saw were the scars from being tortured. Those ugly scars captured the weakness she possessed...so she walked away leaving now the mirror to face her back. When she speaks only a screeching noise of death rings out-confusion of it all rings true. This princess was no longer, sadly, anymore.
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What the doctor diagnosed her with, she died a little more each day. Yet this certain prince saw her as she was; despite the black and grey. The prince, she begged of him, to just walk away-for fear she might kill him too. So the games she played and tricks she made-hoping to run him out soon. He kept persisting, each day digging further in-he was determined to see her true heart. Yet, she was so scared for what "they" had done before, she would cast him out before he could.
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Now, this prince had her heart, and he knew it just as much-but what he did was test it so. He made grave mistakes and oh were there ever heartbreaks...yet, the love continued to grow. The bond was beyond what was diagnosed, he opened her eyes for her to see. Princess took what was given and tried to see, but all was so blurry she gave up in the matter of minutes. Oh how she tried to be strong, but strength she no longer attained.
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No matter how ugly she was-it was she he did not fear. That angered her, for everyone else ran from the very thought of her. They mocked her right and left, yet he peered into her soul. What the prince saw was sad to his heart; making him cry out, "Why oh WHY". He saw everything-from start to finish and it was then, now, he understood. He ran to her and picked her up-gently touching her fragile state.
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He cried along side of her tear-stained face and kissed her saddened lips with such a grace. It was then he promised princess to never leave her side, for to do so death would arise and he carried her back to let her heart rest as he knew the long road ahead...

---

Take this death away from me...

I close my eyes and I open them somehow expecting to not be here. I cry to understand, I long to know just what it is that has made this be the way it has to be. I've been told to try and not let it get to me; wonderful advice I say, for whoever said that must not know what it is like to feel as if something so special has been ripped apart from my grasp. For all of the times that I have felt so lost-I was able to finally feel understood and found. My heart is feeling so battered from all of the trouble we've been through just to remain friends. Who knew what a ruckus it'd cause. Yet, when I see you-my heart breaks just becuase the smile on your face isn't one that I placed there. The laugh I hear isn't due to us laughing together. I hate not being able to talk with you on the things that matter, things that don't matter, and things that we only trust being shared with one another just becuase in this moment we seem to be the ones that get it.
For as long as I can remember, I have had trouble being consistant and placing my heart in someones hands without either taking it back from them or them just having a blast torturing it's very beat. Yet, it was here at the Lost that I finally was introduced to one who was finally able to connect on a level that I've not allowed someone to be on just because their intentions are so impure.
*((*))*((*))*

That was written a while back when I didn't understand what all was going on. It is tremendeous how in the midst of a circumstance where I don't get all that is going on right in front of me, that I seem to shut down. I don't allow many in and the ones that are able to peek in-I rarely let them off the hook. I can't seem to see beyond only what my emotions blind me of. I can't think in moments and times such as those, therefore I get caught up in the feelings that lead my to destruction, forced tears due to anger, and bitterness beyond what a soul should even feel. I tend to get impulsive and act on the feelings that have destroyed me before. It was another example of just how much and how clear it is that I must quit relying on myself and my feelings-and I must RUN to the one who writes out the stability and consistancy that I so desire.
All has returned to normal-or so it seems. The trial was testing my heart and I believe that I learned much to it. Yet, now I'm even more convicted of who I am. I am running in an endless circle around this mountain that I fear to climb up. It will never cease to amaze me how God knows just how many times I will continue to circle that mountain until He interveines and tells me that it is long overdue for me to now climb up. The heighth is terrifying, so looking down and back seems easy just becuase to slide right back down just to continue to walk around the mountain-where it is safe, becomes a temptation. He has brought me to quiet-yet I've not been able to hear the silence due to the noise that buzzes throughout my ears. All the lies, the words, the harrassment, the fingers being pointed, the laughter of shame, and the tears of utter confusion haunt me endlessly. Yet He is patient.
He watches me. I feel it through the eyes of those that I am drawn to. The words of concern, is where I hear his voice...and the touch of comfort is where I feel him drawing near to me. Yet, I pull back. It is when I pull back that He humbles me showing me that I can NOT do it alone. I have got to have accountablilty. I can't be independent without dependence on him. As Jennifer Knapp sings so bodly, "There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul than I thought I had given away. They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed. A great fool in my life I have been, have squandered till pallid and thin...Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame for the darkness I know I've let win.Well I've never been much for the baring of soul. In the presence of any man, I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure. In the arms of a sinner I am, could it be that my worth should depend by the crimson stained grace on a hand and like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will-To reveal all of You that I can ".
So, I felt I lost what was really just being temporarly prepared for the moments to come. I didn't lose it, and I don't believe I ever will. For we have become so much stronger than that. We have learned through the friendship together what it is like to fight through struggles and grief together...We have learned what it is like to rely on the unseen; feel what is hard, and hear what even seems to be the slightest whimper of a whisper...in doing so-we have been able to tredge over the waves that wanted to take us down. We were able to come out alive, and stand. Now...it is when we look up, and we run...We run...to YoU.
Granit, mistakes will be made. Thoughts will be had, and I know that falling on my face will happen beyond a time or two. I'm still slightly stubborn on surrendering it all...for I'm afraid to let that control go. I just haven't a doubt in my mind, that I won't be able to be fully used until I'm completely broken-so BREAK me. Destroy me to rebuild me. Make it so I'm flat on my face alone and with no where to go, let me crawl on my bare hands and knees to you...



//To you...

By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run


And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you


Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you lifeI want to give you life
Cause I, I love youI want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


Is it really that difficult for me to believe these words? Every day I fight it-why is it so hard for me to just relax and fall into his warmth and his promising arms? Oh but I feel him. He creeps up on me, surprising me with many things. He gives me the strength I need to finish the day, but what is it that keeps me so secluded and hidden in my own corner? I still seek out for those that I know really want nothing to do with me-they only use me for their pleasure of whenever they want a good time. Why is it that I run from the one who truely just wants my presense with him? I know all of these things, but my body does opposite. I pray that he will continue to pursue me and chase me until I run out of breath and I have nothing left in me other than to fall back into his arms and do as this song as...

I must trust::He'll never let me go.

Different

This is to you.

Who I thought was different.

The one who I told was different.

But tell me, how are you any different-

Than the ones who said they're different.

You did nothing different.
You showed no difference.
All you did that was different-
Was tell me I was remarkabley different.
No longer was I different-
For I fell for your lies of many difference.

These feelings are different.
They reveal our differences.
You don't seek out to chase "different".
We gave into our minds different.


Leaving was different.
Blind eyes seeing the laziness was different.
I long for different.
I cry to be different.
Yet it ends tonight because it's us-
All different.

Another Day When Thinking of You

What does a soul do when knowing just what it deserves, yet it continues to long after what only will harm it?

I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and rest there knowing that I'm safe and sound, but reality quickly hits me in the face and I have to realize that you look out for only what you need. You are not to the stage of where you are willing to protect my heart nor go however far of a distance you'd need to in order to attain its affection for you. The reason being is of your past hurts. I can't see you being someone I fall in love with, nor someone that I'd want to be the holder of my heart-so just what is it that makes me desire your every attention. I want to be the one you call your own and for you to proudly walk hand in hand with me, but I know that isn't what will happen. I know what it's like to have these feelings and then act abruptly on them...when will I feel content? When is it that I will just know?

Know. What I mean by know is knowing that finally I can just let go of everything that I'm deep down holding on tightly to. I may want you because I know that I can't catch up with you and it is keeping my mind off of what I know really counts and matters. I've got someone who adores my every movement-who wants to be linked arm in arm, yet I shoo him away because he is too good to me. He knows that what I want is most likely what he is and what he could give me but I continue to look for more. More being less. Less because I have gotten to the point as to where I degrade myself and I allow myself to believe that I'm worthless without even being told by anyone.

It may just be my own mind fooling me into this mess. Maybe you are a great guy that I could easily fall for but by making it as complicated as I have, it seems impossible to have you even long to love me. Love. What a word. So many meanings. Said too much. Yet, not said enough. But for as long as I can remember I've wanted it. Once I thought I found it-but it ran away from me like the night runs from the day. Am I running? Is it really not you at all, but it is me? As I think about it-I tend to assume and bring up things that I know aren't the case at all. I tend to convince myself again, that you and I want two different things and that we are going in two different directions, but isn't that where we can collide?

I'm torchering myself by thinking about you. Not only does thinking about you demand much energy from my body, but dreaming of you and your smile and laugh hurts my heart to wake up and know that it hasn't brought me anymore closer to you. For we are still so far apart and we may always be. It doesn't have to be physical distance that I feel with you-...It's so much more than that. It's the distance between our hearts which makes it all the difference.

What will it take to melt that cold cold heart. . .

Speaking Out In The Midst of Silence

"Your Silence Will Not Protect You" -Audre Lorde

You think I haven't asked myself if I "lied" my way through Mercy? You don't know how hard it is to live a lifestyle so suffocating, yet only to be expected to change it all within such a short period of time as if it never happened. At first, I would have done anything to leave. I was told in the very beginning of my stay that as long as I work the program-it'll work me. My mindset was, "Dang, I will work this however they want me to or however I have to just to get out as fast as possible." I wasn't ready for the heart change that was happening each day of my stay there.

I literally had a heart change. I was totally renovated and Christ over took all the control that I had tried so desperately to hold onto. I gave myself to him. So the question is, how can I fake the peace and gentle spirit that He had given to me? How can I fake the knowledge I had attained, the dreams I had dreamt, along with the goals and aspirations that He had placed within my soul? I can't. I'm not that good. I can fake or pretend many things...in fact I tend to do it a lot. But to say that I had pretended any of that? No. Everything I had written, everything I had said, everything that I had proclaimed---was all me with the Holy Spirit wrapping its arms so gently around me. It is really who I am deep within my soul. And it's as if that part of me is locked in a room that is on fire and I am seeing all the life outside when looking out of the window as I scream to be let out...but I'm trapped.

Coming home, much changed. It became easier to know and pin-point what is wrong with me, rather than trying to continually search for "who I am". Placing my finger on it, "I am this disorder(s)", slowly broke me inside and out. How I had once viewed myself, the way I once stood, the life I once had seems to be so lost. I feel as if I have died again. Giving up seems to have cost me everything. I seem so weak as if I have been defeated, it's as if I feel I am not strong enough to stand in the pain; even though I know that I am somwhere deep in the very heart of my...I am...

Coming "home" is much more of a challenge than I thought it'd be. I'm not alone, yet even when being surrounded by a million faces, I still feel so lost and alone. I've become entangled in my thoughts. I have succumbed to things that I'd typically be ashamed of-but now I'm numb to. I have been so afraid to allow pain back into my life, that I changed everything. I realized that when being vulnerable-I wasn't strong. Vulnerability put me in dangerous situations or positions in lives that I couldn't handle. I went into Mercy, timid and afraid...during the stay there I was protected so I didn't have to fight much anymore face to face-yet when coming home I had to fight back actually against them, so the way to do that was build a wall around myself. Every part of me I have hardened. What was first meant for men slowly became how I handled friends and family. This "plan of attack" within my mind has slowly corrupted everything I have learned, yet HOW is it that I let the walls down?

I hate this feeling of no longer feeling unity that for months I worked so hard for. The disappointment of who I've daily become is weighing on my shoulders. What I knew as wrong has turned to be OK. All that I had seemed to have gained is now lost. It's not why it once was due to pain caused from in the past. Now it is because of me. I have become my own enemy. I am fighting a raging war against myself and I don't know when the war will come to an end. I know that I have cheerleaders and supporters of those who long to see me succeed-I know that my family cry and their hearts ache for me with this...but no one can seem to understand. Not even I. To figure out ME, the milestone and the heart of who I am, only God knows. I keep having to say, "Oh Lord, my God, you know my heart...please guide me into where I meet with you again", because I am so lost in the maze of where I've been plopped right back into. It isn't anyone BUT me...but since I'm fighting a war against myself, it comes out as if I'm fighting against the ones who truly love me and long to understand. I'm not. I don't mean to hurt any feelings or to make any cry. I apologize, for I know I have broken many spirits. This isn't something I enjoy. For it is slowly and surely killing me softly. Any thing I had held onto...I seem to be letting go. And this is my biggest let down::myself. All that I fought so hard for, now I'm just letting go? All that I was determined to prove-I just let it all fall in order to shatter into a million pieces that I can't seem to pick up and place back together...

So what I do...what my defense has become is...

Silence. I remain silent. Letting no one in. And no one out. Not even myself.

I've Figured Out Who I Am

Am I what anyone wanted? Am I what they expected? It is right that I seem to have fallen...? I seem to have recalled asking for this. For the enemy to try and hit me but I wouldn't shake. I announced that I'd be on my knee's if anything and the only one that I'd have fallen down to is my Heavenly Father. I must stop pretending. But which one of me is pretending? There is so many. There is the one that disgusts my family...where when they look at me they turn in a scornful way. They move quickly as I pass by so I don't happen to brush up against them for who I am is disgusting. There is the one as to who they love. The one that is at peace. Says the right things-and does the right things...not the one that fails. There is one that is just wasting away day by day-each second counting down till I just wither into nothing but space.

At first I thought it was because I can choose who I want to be...then I realized-it really is something that I have. I have this disorder that sure I may be able to overcome, but man-I didn't realize just how serious it is until I read about it. Borderline Personality Disorder. It isn't a joke, it's a reality to me. Everything in it describes:: me.

"With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships. Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
When you have BPD, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You often experience a love-hate relationship with others. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may seem good one day and evil the next.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or taking illicit drugs
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Fear of being alone...

Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. Interpersonal relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image all can be negatively affected. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are very high, reaching 10 percent to 15 percent.
In addition, you may have other mental health problems, including:
Depression
Substance abuse
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Other personality disorders
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused."

Since when did this become true...since when did it begin to consume my life...? It makes sense. Perfect sense actually...

It's me. It's who I am.