You Don't Fool Me

I do not trust you. You ask 'why'? Well, because I have been proven to be a fool-so why would I trust someone that could just make me look as one. You think that I am so easily going to put my heart out there and place my insecurities in your hands? You think that I am so easily going to just give out what I refuse to believe I'll receive back?

You say so many words, so why is it that I don't believe you? You say the things I long to hear-but I truly want to hear them from someone that I know means what they say. Do you see me? Do you even hear my hearts cry? I have been beaten and battered. I have fallen and once I get back up-I'm shoved down once more. The floor has become a friend and you expect me to just trust you? Do you understand how damaged I am? You obviously don't see me.

I try to tell myself it isn't true. I try to tell myself that what I am believing in my mind isn't really the truth. But, I'm unable to do so-and you wonder why it is I can't trust you. I don't even know you...
Anger is just welling up inside of me. I wish that you would never have spoken your heart to me. I just wish you would have left me alone. For if you were to have left me alone then my heart would not shake as it does. I need to be strong and I do not need someone like you making me weak. Once you decide that you are done using me for whatever it is that you are using me for, you then spit me out-where is it you suggest I go?

Do not come into my life and rustle my feathers just for fun. If you want to keep going on living how you have been then get out fast and now. I want no part of you. I fear you and that shouldn't be so when dating. All I know is that I will not trust you-so we will have nothing to hold onto...

Just let go.

Only They Define It

Abandonment. What exactly is that? Is it self explanatory or could there be more to it? I believe there is more There is more because when being abandoned that seems to be just a word when in all reality, the feeling behind it is what grips you by the neck and chokes you to where you fight yet no longer can anymore and you let go of that last breath of air you had inside of you. Abandonment aches you at the very core of your heart and often the question, "why", is asked. Why am I being left? Why-is there something I did wrong? Why-is there something wrong with me? In my case, my "why" is already answered. I am too much.

Once I was told, "Any guy who hears about your past will think you are too much for them. They'll find you disgusting. You will push them away because of who you are and where you have been. The one who hears about your past will run away-you will never be happy." His words will never leave me. I will always be reminded that he never wanted me to be happy and he demanded the acknowledgment that HE is the best that I deserve and all that I will ever get.

Yet even the devil himself abandoned me. I scare them off yet my story isn't near the worst-so why the torture and WHY the abandonment when I just need someone to take me by the hand and when I can't see in the dark, they guide me. But if they themselves can't guide them out of the dark then they will only lead me further into the maze...only going in circles-seeing no way out.

I long to finally be held onto...but abandonment loves the way my skin feels as it wraps itself around me blinding me from those that will never leave. It only opens my heart up to those who will. Abandonment has followed me around when I am the one who will never leave them. I will never leave yet I am left because somehow I must ask for it. But I cry out-I cut-I overdose-I drink till no longer remembering because when I am blinded I am told I have nothing so I should abandon life...but when I do-only two remain when I wake. The two that brought me life but the rest run. The rest hide. The rest define abandonment for me.

What He Called Independence

He sat and waited for him to walk through the door
The one he longed to be a father and more
As he twitled his thumbs, his mind raced with thoughts
What would he say? What would he do?
Would he stay or would he walk away for good?

As he entered the room, he looked and he sighed
He shook his head and the young boy cried
He took one step forward and yet the other turned away
"I have my own familoy now and I want no part of you..."
The tears never came but in his heart they poured through

Left standing there, he never felt so betrayed
The grudge began to form and always it will stay
Depending on someone who will always fail you
He formed a secret to never do that to himself
So darkness filled all over his mind and his heart

"I hurt from my head to toes", he said
"There's no more room to shove pain in."
He loses himself in alcohol, proving to be one of them
You think he'd learn, yet he only goes down
The chains of the past begin to be too heavy to carry

He hold grief against her, for she never was there
He protected them from hearing what all she lost herself in
He took the abuse, saving them from feeling it too
As she watched and she laughed, never once break through
From child hood to now, he is all on his own

So when she came along and her family gave him love
He embraced what it felt like, but then something creeped in
Four months went by, being accepted just for who he is
But he took steps back, betrayal might begin
He fooled her into thinking he was just like her dad

She wept and she died inside, losing him destroyed her
But easily he left and he pretended to be strong
Independence he thought was what he had
Depending on someone who could walk away gave him grief and deep in fear
Fear is what he lived for, but she never would be who they are to him

Now he is filled with anger and refuses to let her in
There is no forgiveness about him and no way will he let it begin
So alone he stands, faking what he calls is strength
He lost it all, and he's now living just like them.

What is Wrong

One of the hardest things, is being asked, "What is wrong with you?". I tend to ask myself that daily. What is wrong with me is the pain that seems to have wrapped itself around my heart like a spider weaving its web. Pain that penetrates throughout my body. I don't expect others to understand just what kind of pain that I have felt and have continued to feel. Pain that blinds me from beauty. I understand that others have it much worse, which aches my heart, but this is my story. So how will I write it?

I've been told, "You are the hero of your own story." I'm my own hero? I feel like the victim. I don't see myself as a hero because as each day passes, I get held hostage in my own jail cell. If I was the hero, I'd be able to save myself from the chains that weigh me down. I am not the hero.

They all leave me. Every single one of them. What is so wrong with me that I can't intrigue one person? Just one. What is it about me that makes it so easy for them to walk away without a glance back? I seem to have "vulnerable" written on my forehead, which makes it easy for them to seem interested-they make me feel as if I am worth their time, but in reality...I'm not. Reality slaps me in the face, and at that same moment-I turn for it to slap the other side.

I have been tormented with thoughts and been followed by memories. They've engulfed me and sucked me dry. I gasp for air, but it is too late...I have failed. Failure is a feeling all too familiar. Most of what I touch, I seem to break. It becomes hard to even function when I have "failure" replaying in my mind over and over again. It dictates my next step. That is why it is slowly killing me. Knives, alcohol, and pills...they seem to release all the pain that failure seems to bring to me. Each scar is a reminder of just that...that I failed.

What about rejection? Refusal, spurning, dismissal, elimination-all meaning one thing. Rejection. I have come to find that alone is a friend. I used to fear what alone would do to me. If it'd be an enemy or something I could embrace. I have always had people surround me for as long as I could remember. Although they surrounded me, they were what rejected me daily until it was they finally left me standing there alone for good. I never realized how alone I really was until I look back and I see what the real was. The real was that they never cared about how deep and hurt my heart was. The real was that they only cared about themselves and would never save me if I fell. The result? I fell a lot. It wasn't until just recently that my eyes have been open. Alone is more safe that being surrounded by chatter. Alone has become the friend that I've always been looking for. With alone...I'll never be rejected. It's there to stay. It will never abandon me.

I'm struggling to survive. I feel as if all the odds are against me, but I wake up each morning determined to tackle the days challenges. It feels as if barley surviving has become my purpose, but I must remind myself that-hey, at least I'm surviving.

...At least I'm surviving.

This Is To You

This is to you.
Who took my heart and threw it sky high only to watch it fall and shatter into a million pieces covering the ground we stood on.
This is to you who defined what true rejection and abandonment is.
This is to you who taught me what it is like to give my heart away only to watch it fade like raindrops on a window.
You showed me what it is like to dread love only to embrace its pain.
This is to you who took my innocence and vulnerability and carved an image of hatred within it.
You drowned me before giving me a chance to grasp air.
You held my head down as I fought to keep it up and then you watched my body become limp with no more life to it.
This is to you who said words.
Words that I treasured and held close to my heart, yet they were just words.
They were empty with no meaning of beauty within them.
You have shown me what lonely feels like when emptiness wraps itself around me and swallows me up as if a tornado which picks up anything in it's path.
This is to you, who when you took off your hat to bow, you smiled as I slipped and fell.
This is to you.
The one that saw my brokenness, pretended to be the "fixer", yet destroyed me even more.
The one that took every ounce of hope, every possibility of love, every thought of "maybe"...and set them on the ground and slammed your foot down on them, watching them turn from something to a nothing in just seconds.
You are the one that hates me yet at every second of that hatred, I fell for you more and more.
This is to my destroyer.
My self distructor.
You are the definition of slaughter, of torment, nightmares, and of grief.
Your very touch is what turns me cold and places me into a shock state where there after I distill into nothing.
To you I have this to say.
For every day that passes by and I don't enter into your mind, I wish I did.
I wish that when you closed your eyes, you could see my agony.
I wish that you could see every tear that stained my cheek.
I wish you could see when those tears didn't fall, the red ones fell somehow on my skin releasing the tears within my heart that wouldn't fall from my eyes.
It'd bring me such a joy for you to feel just what it was like to be thrown around like a rag doll..I could never be perfect enough for you.
I wish that you could feel what it was like to be what is "convenient" to me.
Picking you up and dropping you off whenever I damn well please.
To you I have to say that I wish every ounce of pain I feel/felt on you.
I want you to have to embrace what it is like to never know when you'll be important...to never know what it is like to feel as if you are "something".
This is to you.
My destroyer.
My disaster.
My pain.
My heartbreak.
My tears.
My unhappiness.
Yet, somehow I have the nerve to still be in love with you.
This is to you.

One More Hard Thing

It's a hard thing to be misled
It's a hard thing to be left
When you're all alone and they leave your side
It's a hard thing

And when you're kicked down
You fall to the ground
When they spit on your face with all their lies
It becomes a hard thing

Alone is what I feel
They left me for dead
They never looked back
Who's gonna pick up the pieces
That shattered all over the ground

It's a hard thing to be betrayed
It's a hard thing to believe all they said
When they seemed so sincere
It becomes a hard thing

And when they spit on your face
And torment your heart
That's when they walk away
Only to never look back
It becomes a hard thing

The shadows of alone
Wraps itself around me
It takes me down below the ground
And I suffocate without a sound

It becomes a hard thing...

To be Young Again...

To be young again and never have to feel the pain of heartache...to never even have to know what the pain of what feelings can do, is a lucky stage of life. When young, boys don't seem to matter. Looking for what they could offer doesn't even seem to cross the young ones mind. They don't know what it is like to look into the one across from you and fall so easily into a feeling that only rarely occurs. When young, all that is being cared about is who's going to play today, what they'll laugh about, petty things like that. The heart of a man doesn't even matter. When young, feelings may be hurt, but there is never the deep aching the breaking, and feeling and feeling the pieces literally fall or they shatter onto the ground. There is never the feeling of abandonment from the one you entrusted with your heart. When young, things like that don't matter. Questions and curiousity of "why's the sky blue" often pop up, but never "what about me didn't captivate his attention?" Those feelings are never felt. If only to be young again...

How I long to be at the point where I don't have to cry at night due to the torment of what all "alone" does to me. It's an enemy I fear and feel it as if it is a bitter coldness that wraps itself around you...a night you can't run from...a feeling you can never hide from. Along is something, that when you're young, you never use as a part of your vocabulary. Only when you are young...

And then you get older. As you get older, you begin to feel more pain, and it becomes scary. It's as if dipping your toes into ice cold water. The feeling seems to send your body into a slight shock.You can't imagine putting the rest of your body into the water,, but something pulls you in. Feelings. That is what happens when beginning to understand them. It comes as a shock. Then your body dips into them and somehow you become lost in them. Trying to sort them out, even allowing some of them to get you into trouble. When someone comes along and attactches themselves to you, your feelings begin to jump all over. Scary...not sure what to do. You run full force into it, not even afraid of what may come. And for that slight moment of bliss, it is wonderful to feel...but then the end draws near and pain suffocates you. Then in that one moment you hate what makes you feel. You draw back, seclude yourself, and you long for what it was like to be young.

Time continues to go by. The clock never stops ticking, not for anyone...not even you. And in time there is healing, there's grief, and there is devestation. In time there holds nothing good. The years pass on and abandonment happens continuously. It never ends and you wonder, "why"...so you change. Who you are is never enough, so you lose yourself into becoming who you are not. Then once they throw you away you are right back into losing yourself in the midst of feelings. Feelings that you will do anything to get away from.

I've yt to find a peace of mind. All I long to do is shut my eyes to what I see, plug my ears to all I hear, and shut my mouth to all I say...sleep in such a deep slumber that I'll never be awoken from it. I want to run, rather than to face it. I'd rather give up on what I should hold onto...

I'd rather be young again.